Hook finds Baelfire below deck, and says he's lucky to be alive. Bae turns toward his savior/captor slowly. "Lucky? I'm a prisoner of pirates in a land cursed with magic." Hook says, "Most children think they've found paradise when they lay their eyes on Neverland's magic. Why else leave home in the first place?" When Bae says he came here so a family he loves could live, Hook mocks the boy's heroism. Bae snaps at Hook for being a pirate, so Hook points out this particular pirate saved Bae from the "Curse of the Mermaids." I'm pretty sure this is the second episode in a row (and maybe third this season) to mention mermaids. Paging Ariel. Bae tells Hook a pirate killed his mother and tore apart his family, and that his cowardly father left him. This catches Hook's attention. He asks the boy his name, and manages not to keel over when he finally answers, "Baelfire." Hook hands Bae another blanket and says, "Welcome aboard, Baelfire. It's a pirate's life for you." Title card.

Storybrooke. Day. Henry swings at the park as Granny and her trusty crossbow stand guard. In the recaplet, I covered this scene in detail, so please allow me to plagiarize myself. Lurking at a distance, Mr. Gold begins to magically unravel the swing's ropes, hoping his Undoing will smash his head on the pointy rocks nearby. Who the hell leaves rocks like that so close to a swing in a children's playground in the first place? Oh right, Storybrooke was created by the Dark Curse designed by Rumpelstiltskin and cast by the Evil Queen. Of course there are dangerous rocks right next to the swings. Carry on.

Emma and her parents arrive, so Gold stops before he kills the boy. While Emma talks to Henry, Snow and Charming get the thankless job of telling Gold what happened to Neal. Gold assumes his son is dead. Charming tells Gold that the Two-Headed Obstacle that is Groan and Tamara stole Regina's failsafe trigger, and asks Gold for his help. Even when Charming reminds Gold that the Two-Headed Obstacle killed his son, Gold refuses his aid. "They didn't kill my son. I did. I brought magic to this world to find Bae, and now he's dead. Magic always has a price and this is it, but I'm prepared to pay it." Snow says, "But we'll die. You'll die." Gold says, "I've made my peace with that," and limps off, leaving Snow and Charming with their fetching chins on the ground. We cut to the...

Mines. Hook follows the Two-Headed Obstacle into the mines and asks who commands them. Groan says that's neither Hook's concern nor theirs. Hook and I find it a bit odd that the Obstacle seems to neither know nor care who their employer is, but Tamara says, "Unlike you, Hook, we believe in something. We have faith in the sacredness of our cause." By then Groan has found what he's looking for -- the dwarfs' pickaxes. Hook finds that a bit empty as sacred causes go. He should only have to write about these two. Ugh.

Tamara produces the black diamond which will trigger the failsafe. The axe will activate it. Even the reprobate Hook finds it a bit off-putting that they're going to wipe out an entire town and kill everyone in it, and asks if Rumpelstiltskin will be immune to it. Tamara says, "None of your kind will be. Once this thing gets activated, nothing can shut it off." Groan adds, "This whole town will revert to the forest it was. So tell us, Hook. We're willing to die for our cause. Are you willing to die for yours?" Silly rabbits. Hook is Hook's cause. The Obstacle seems to believe him when he answers, "Absolutely." Tamara lays the diamond on a rock. Groan smashes it with the pickaxe. Well, that was... simplistic. The diamond changes from black to blue, levitates, spins, glows and gives off some sort of shockwave. Hook and the Two-Headed Obstacle, flee the mine. Out on the street, vine-like tree limbs wrap themselves around the library. In the tower, the clock face glows as blue as the activated trigger diamond. Commercial.

Snow's Hovel. Regina has just put on her kicky boots when Henry, Emma, Snow and Charming return home. Just as Regina goes to hug the boy, the earth trembles. Regina can tell the diamond has been activated. Henry worries that they'll all die, but Regina says since he was born there, he'll live. This remains the party line throughout the episode. It makes me wonder about Cinderella's baby, and about Emma and Pinocchio. Oh, I know the last two weren't born here, but they weren't cursed, either. That is, they arrived in our world before Regina cast the Dark Curse back in the Enchanted Forest, so reversing the curse shouldn't kill those two -- at least it wouldn't if I were this show's Continuity Fairy. The episode's conclusion will render my questions moot, so I have no clue why I'm sharing them with you. You're welcome.

Henry, of course, doesn't want to be left all alone, and who can blame him? Certainly not Emma, who feels her son's words too deeply. She insists that Regina find a way to fix it and won't take Regina's, "I can't," for an answer. Henry tells them to stop their bickering. "I already lost my dad. I don't want to lose anyone else. We have to work together." I wait for Jack to pop in and add, "...Or die alone," but instead, Hook enters. "From the mouths of babes. I'd say the lad has a point." Before he can utter another word, Charming sucker punches Hook in the face, and says, "That's for the last time we met." Hurrah! Don't get me wrong. I like Hook, but I have a list of people I want to see Charming pop, and Hook's name is second. I'm sure you know who tops the list. Charming pulls out his service revolver and says, "Tell us why you're here, before I use something else other than my fist." I'm going to refill my coffee cup, to give the fanfic writers a moment to jot down their plot bunnies...

There. All set, dears? Hook figures Charming's threat is redundant since they're all about to die. Emma says, "No thanks to you. Regina just told us you were working with Tamara and Greg to get your revenge." Hook changed his mind, once he learned he'd have to die to get it. He suggests they stop the trigger now, and bicker later. Regina says there is not stopping it. The best she can do is delay the inevitable. Charming says that will give them the time they need to steal back the beans and get everyone back to the Enchanted Forest before the failsafe is fully triggered. Hook knows where the Two-Headed Obstacle is, but since you can't trust him as far as Henry could throw him, Charming will tag along with him on Bean Quest. "If he tries anything, I'll shoot him in the face." Emma will take Regina to slow down the trigger. Snow and Henry will gather everyone and get them ready to go as soon as Team White Hat gets back the beans. On her way out, Regina stops Henry. "...I'm sorry for what's happened. I tried to be the person that you wanted me to be and I failed, but I won't let you be alone. You just know that I love you." Henry says, "I love you, too," and they hug. Over the boy's shoulder, his two mommies exchange a meaningful glance. Hook says tells Charming, "The things we do for our children," and everyone is off. We flash back to the...

Jolly Roger. As the Lost Ones row a dinghy toward the ship, Smee pleads with Hook to hand Bae over to them. Hook says he can't part with the Dark One's son, who is the key to his revenge. But when he says, "I won't lose him," it sounds more like he refuses to part with Bae because he's Milah's.

A blond Lost One, whom some confused for Peter Pan, is actually Felix (played by Parker Croft). Felix and a few shrouded Lost Ones board the Jolly Roger. Hook knows they work for Him. Him. Him. Felix says, "We're looking for a boy who was seen adrift nearby -- a boy He has a particular interest in." Hook lies that there's no boy aboard his vessel and gives the Lost Ones leave to search the ship. Bae is hidden in some sort of crawl space, possibly against the ceiling of the hold. At any rate, he remains undetected, throughout the search. Felix pimps his boss's reputation. "You're new to this land, so I should warn you. Do you know what He does to people who lie to him? [...] He rips your shadow right from your body. R-r-r-r-r-rip." When the search proves fruitless, Felix bids Hook goodbye, but reminds him that if he finds a boy, the boy belongs to the mysterious Him. Once the coast is clear, Hook opens the hold's hatch to find Bae smiling at him. The boy says, "I thought pirates only cared for themselves." Hook returns the grin. "Well, you have a lot to learn, boy." Hopefully, unlike August, he'll learn none of it in Phuket. We flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Gold's shop. Gold returns to find the dwarfs have invaded his shop. He berates them for apocalyptic looting, but Grumpy points out, "It ain't looting if the stuff you find is already yours. We need Sneezy's drinking stein. We can bring his memories back. [...] Mother Superior finally figured it out." Holding up a vial filled with blue potion, he adds, "He needs to drink this out of his old stein -- something important to him." Gold speaks for the audience when he makes it clear it's a bit rich that Blue figured out how to cure Townline Amnesia on the day they're all to die. Sneezy's a bit taken aback by the word die, but Happy tries to calm him, as Grumpy continues his exposition dump. Blue needed a hair from Pinocchio's head, since he wasn't subject to the Dark Curse, and has been returned to who he's supposed to be.

Gold's smile is wry. "So, you're going to wake your friend up to tell him he's about to die." Sneezy says, "I don't want that." Grumpy says, "Shut it, Clark," and turns his attention back to Gold. "He wants know who he is and be with his family, no matter how much time he has left." Sneezy: "Not if I'm going to die." The dwarfs decide to take Sneezy back to Granny's. On the way out, he says, "Hey, guys, if I don't have a family, will I still die?" I'm low on time and was trying not to transcribe too much, but this is a fun scene, and one that makes me realize how much Season Two skimped on our beloved, familiar secondary characters. I'll say it one last time, before this season is officially over for me: The season suffered from too much concentration on Regina, which was only compounded by the fact that her arc felt like it was built on sinking sand. I'm fine with her trying to be good and failing, but her motives were never sufficient, and Cora turned her way too easily. There. I adore this show, but I hope these problems are addressed in Season Three. Now let's move forward.

Before he leaves, Grumpy walks back to the counter and hands another vial of memory potion to Gold. "I asked her to make a second dose. This is for you. [...] Belle once helped remind me of who I was. I've never forgotten. I want to return the favor. Don't let her die as Lacey." Gold is wordless as he takes the potion. As Grumpy exits, Laceybelle emerges from the back room and asks what all that was about. Gold says, "Nothing." We cut to the...

Waterfront. Charming and Hook park in front of the cannery, just as Groan is burning records and loading stuff into a trailer. There's a boom and the earth again quakes. Captain Obvious Hook notes that time's running out. Charming's less charming and more sarcastic. "Oh, is that what that means?" Personally, I think it means it's time for a word from our sponsors.

After the break, we return to the Enchanted Past. On the deck of the Jolly Roger, Bae and Hook bond, as the pirate teaches the boy to sail the ship. Using his hook, he scratches a "P" for port and an "S" for starboard into the cabinet. Hook brings the conversation around to Bae's parents and asks about his father leaving him. Hook says he knows the story well. When he was young, he and his father boarded a ship to travel the realms. "One morning, I awoke and he was gone. Turned out he was a fugitive. He fled in the middle of the night to avoid capture." Feeling a kinship with another abandoned son, Bae confesses to Hook that his father is the Dark One. He even reveals the secrets of the Dark One's kris dagger, and that it is Rumpy's one vulnerability. Hook gives Bae an empathetic shrug of the shoulders and with a nod of his head, encourages the boy to keep steering the ship. Bae's face glows with pleasure and pride as he mans the wheel. Hook's expression is soft as he considers the son of his true love. What? I have some pity, okay. We flash forward to the...

Storybrooke Cannery. Charming wonders why Hook, who has been so bent on revenge, is now bent on survival. When he asks the scoundrel what he's fighting for, Hook answers, "Myself. That's plenty of motivation. I can assure you. Eventually, they find Groan. With his weapon drawn, Charming demands that he hand over the beans. Groan drops his luggage and takes a small jar out of his pocket. Before Charming can lunge for it, Tamara shoots at him. Charming is hit in the arm. Greg drops the jar. I expect the remaining beans to open a portal when they hit the floor, but I guess the shattering glass absorbs most of the impact, given that nothing happens. Tamara takes off. Charming gives chase, while Hook remains behind to struggle with Groan. Eventually, Hook manages to grab one bean.

We cut to another section of the warehouse. When Tamara stumbles and drops her gun, Charming gains on her. He approaches, but come on, you know he's not going to shoot her. As he stands there with his weapon aimed at Tamara, Groan appears and tackles him. Tamara goes for Charming's gun, but Groan grabs her and tells her, "No. Come on. We've got what we need." Hook stops Charming just as he's about to run after the Two-Headed Obstacle. Charming tries to break free. "What are you doing? They've got the beans." Hook says, "Not all of them. I snagged one," and puts it in his pouch. Charming asks where the rest of the beans are. Hook says, "Who cares? We only need one." When Charming again tries to chase after the Obstacle, Hook stops him. "Hey, live to fight another day, mate." Charming rips his arm free of Hook's grip. "I am not your mate." The fanfic writers beg to differ. Charming rips the pouch from Hook's belt and storms off. We cut to the...

Mines. Emma says it feels like the oxygen has been sucked out of the air. Regina corrects her. "Not the oxygen, the magic." Finding the glowing, floating, now blue diamond, Regina says, "Once it stops glowing, its destruction is achieved, and then... and then we'll see the real carnage." Regina says she'll try to contain it as long as she can. Emma points out they should only need her to slow it long enough to give them all time to escape this world. Regina says, "Slowing the device is going to require all the strength I have." Emma lets this sink in. "You're not coming with us, are you? When you said goodbye to Henry, you were saying goodbye." Regina then has the moment we've been waiting for all season. Darn you, Queenie. I've got a deadline. Transcribing is slow work. Being evil, she doesn't care. "[Henry] knows I love him, doesn't he?" Emma tries to tell her there must be another way, but Regina continues. "You were right, you know. Everything that's happening -- it's my fault. I created this device. It's only fitting that it takes my life." Emma asks what she's supposed to tell Henry. Regina: "Tell him that in the end, it wasn't too late for me to do the right thing. [...] Everyone looks at me as the Evil Queen, including my son. Let me die as Regina." With that, Regina closes her eyes and concentrates. Emma starts to leave, but turns back with a, "Regina..." just as Regina starts to do whatever it is she's doing (sucking magic out of, or injecting another sort of magic in) to the diamond. Tears roll down Regina's face because that's her superpower. Emma runs us out into a commercial break.

As the magic that created Storybrooke is drained by the trigger, the forest reclaims its rightful place. Leaves obscure buildings. A vine penetrates the sign above Gold's shop. Inside, Gold pours some MacCutcheon Whisky for Laceybelle and toasts to the end of the world. Nervous, Laceybelle knocks over her drink, so she grabs a nearby cloth to mop up the spill. It's Baelfire's cloak. Gold reacts about as you'd expect, except since Laceybelle looks exactly like Belle, he doesn't beat her with a cane or anything, he just stops her and yells about how it belonged to someone very important. Then it hits him. It all hits him.

Gold opens his safe and takes out a blue satin sack. From it, he removes the broken pieces of the chipped cup and magically reassembles them. Laceybelle recognizes it from when she smashed it and asks what it is. Rumpy says it's something from their past. When she looks uneasy, he apologizes and says they shouldn't fight. He pours some of the potion into her cup and, for show, I guess, pours some into his own glass. After a proper clink, Laceybelle downs the potion, but Gold waits. Blue magic washes over Laceybelle. When it's done, she blinks. As she looks at Gold, her eyes fill with tears. Gold's face positively crumples. "Belle." She softly sobs his name and kisses him. When they break their clinch, Gold says, "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to wake you up to die, but I needed you." Belle strokes his hair and says, "You lost your son. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." When she lays her head on Gold's shoulder he holds her close and says, "I've failed. I've failed." I like to imagine an Egret of Regret drops a postcard on the counter that reads: "Word."

Charming arrives at Granny's dinner, waving the pouch and proclaiming, "We have the bean!" Emma notices the bloodied tear on her father's sleeve and asks if he's hurt. Charming shakes it off as just a graze. As Snow glows at her heroic husband, Henry asks where Regina is. Emma explains that Regina will hold off the trigger as long as she can, but she won't survive. Henry says, "No." Emma tells him she promised Regina she'd get him to safety. Henry says, "But we can't do this. She's family. We don't leave family behind." Emma assures him this is what Regina wants. They have to take their way out. Henry points out they saved her from being killed by the Chintz Monster, and asks how this is any different. His mention of the wraith gives Snow an idea. "We sent it through a portal. Why can't we do the same thing with the self-destruct?" Emma: "Because we don't know if it's going to work." Audience: "And because what if it destroys whatever realm in which it lands?" Let's jump to a...

Sidebar. We've discussed this some on the boards. Some people think Snow and Emma are playing a little fast and loose with the fates of people in other realms, once they decide to send the trigger through a portal. I don't. Unless it's a whole lot more, it seems to me the trigger is specific to the curse. That is, it is meant to undo the effects of the Dark Curse. It is meant to undo Storybrooke -- a place created by the Dark Curse. I think if it's where it can't affect Storybrooke, then it just turns into a black diamond again. That said, I think there probably should have been a throwaway line about this, either in the diner, or better yet, from Regina, once the White Hats return to the mines.

Anyhow, Charming and Archie back up Snow and convince Emma, against her better judgment, that it's the best thing to do. The dwarfs and Granny are also present. Archie says, "Snow White and the Prince have always led us before. And we've always won. So, who's willing to let them lead us again?" The vote is unanimous. As Henry hugs Emma, Snow turns to her daughter and says, "I know we haven't had a lot of chances to be parents, but give us this one. Let us do the right thing. It's not too late." Emma holds Henry tight. "I just don't want him to be alone. I don't want him to grow up the way I did." Her words hit her parents where they live, but in a metaphor for Season Two, an earthquake interrupts the emotional scene.

Emma tries the rational approach one more time. Their plan could fail, whereas they know they can use the bean now and survive. Snow says, "It's wrong. Emma, I killed her mother." Emma reminds Snow that she had to kill Cora. Snow disagrees. "I did it because it was easy. It was a mistake. There were other paths -- harder paths and I wish I had taken them. So please, Emma honey. Let's take the hard path because if we don't, we will be building a future on Regina's blood." Emma looks at her family. Henry's face wears the cares of the world. Fixing her eyes on Charming, she finally says, "Okay."

Charming tosses the pouch to Emma, but Hook grabs it. He turns his back to the group and steps away. "I can live with myself." Emma tells him to give back the bean. Hook finally turns to face her. "She wants to die for us. I say let her." Emma says she and Hook understand each other. Looking out for yourself only works until the day it doesn't. "We're doing this. It might be stupid. It might be crazy, but we're doing it. So, you can join us and be a part of something, or you can do what you do best, and be alone." Hook remarks on her passion as he hands her the pouch. As the White Hats start to head out, he leans near Emma and whispers, "Why are you really doing this?" Emma says, "Henry just lost a father today. I'm not letting him lose a mother, too." Hook asks who Henry's father is. Emma says, "Neal." Hook says, "Baelfire?" Emma whispers, "Yeah," and walks out. We flashback to the...

Enchanted Past. Jolly Roger. Smee nags Hook. He wants his captain to surrender Baelfire to Him. Him. Him. Hook hollers about how he's the captain. Those who disobey can walk the plank and pray the mermaids take pity on their souls. During all the hubbub, Bae appears out of nowhere, slashes at Hook with a sword and says, "Face me, villain." Bae found the sketch of Milah on Hook's desk, and asks how he got a picture of his mother. He fingers Hook as the pirate who killed her. Hook sets him straight. Sure he stole Milah from Rumpy and Bae, and broke up their "happy" home, but it was Daddy Dearest who ripped out her heart and crushed it to bits.

Hook blathers about his thirst for revenge, but Bae would really like to revisit the part where he was abandoned by his own mother. Hook says, "Not a single day passed when your mother didn't regret leaving you, Baelfire. We talked about going back for you when you were old enough." Whoopty fricking doo. When Hook starts blabbing about fate and forming a new family, Bae shouts him into silence. "No. Stay back. You used me. You wanted to kill my father. [...] You tore apart my family, as sure as if you ripped her heart out yourself." When Hook tries to calm the tearful son of his dead love, Bae says, "Take me back to my real family -- the Darlings." Hook stammers that he can't, since it's not possible to leave Neverland. He offers Bae the chance to remain there, under his protection. Bae says he'd rather fend for himself than stay with Hook. "I want off this ship, Pirate." As Hook stares out of the sea, we flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Mines. Regina asks Henry, Emma, Snow and Charming what they're doing there. Henry says, "You were willing to die to save us. That makes you a hero. And now we're going to be heroes." I've seen a lot of objections to this -- as if the show is now deeming Regina a bona fide hero. Take a deep breath. I know how muddled things have been with Regina, but we don't have to accept Henry as a reliable narrator any more than we have to buy Snow's self-assessment that she has the blackest heart in all the realms. In this particular episode, Regina's actions are selfless and heroic. It's also one of the first times she's shown any meaningful self-awareness or remorse.

Charming explains the plan to open a portal and throw the trigger in it. Regina says it might not work, but Snow insists they try. Wonder flickers across Regina's face. As Charming tells everyone to step aside, Emma takes a few steps and opens the pouch. When she seems frozen, Charming calls to his daughter. She turns and says, "It's empty." She takes a beat and adds, "Hook." We cut to the...

Storybrooke Harbor. Hook sails the Jolly Roger out of port. As he goes, we see the magic bean clutched in his hot little hand. I've seen criticism of Emma for not checking the pouch for the bean when they were back at the diner, but while I too wish she had, I understand why she didn't. Charming is the one who gave it to her and told her it contained the bean. Hook snatched it from her, but he never left her sight. What she didn't consider, however, is that he did turn his back to her. That must be when he stole the bean. Sure, he's one handed, but he's a pirate, and quick on his feet... when he's on them, rather than his arse, at least. Commercial.

Enchanted Past. Night. The Jolly Roger seems to be anchored off Neverland's shore. Bae looks ready to jump ship and asks to be dropped anywhere. Hook knows the boy is angry but tells him this ship can be his home and family. "Just say the word. It's not too late to start over. I can change, Bae. For you." Bae thinks his words are meaningless. "All you care about is yourself." Hook's voice is choked with tears, but he forces his bravado to the fore. "Thank you for reminding me what I'm all about -- killing your father." At that, the shrouded Lost Ones board the ship. Felix watches as two of them grab Bae, who says, "You're not letting me go." Hook wonders, "How would that help me?" Bae yells, "You hated my father so much, you didn't even realize you were just like him." Hook looks like Bae's words sting, but says nothing until the Lost Ones have taken him off the ship. Addressing Felix, he finally says, "You have the boy. He will be pleased?" Saying nothing, Felix jumps over the side. Hook and Smee go to the rail and look down at the dinghy. A Lost One puts a hood over Bae's head. Hook returns to the ship's wheel. When he sees his Port and Starboard scratchings on the cabinet, he uses his hook to scratch them out in the form of a Z. So uh, I batten the hatches and brace yourselves next season for Hook and Zorro, the Gay Blade 2: Electric Boogaloo. Before we move on, let's have a...

Sidebar. So, here's the deal. Hook being Hook, I think he plays every moment ready to abandon one path for another. I think his offer to let Bae stay with him and form the family Milah would have wanted was utterly sincere. I also think he knew the Lost Ones were on their way back. In my opinion, had Bae opted to stay, Hook and his crew would have fought off the Lost Ones. Since Bae rejected him, though, I also think Hook is self-centered enough to take the expedient path -- surrender the boy and try to profit from it. What do you think? Now, let's flash forward to...

Storybrooke harbor. Hook looks from the Zeed out "P" and "S" to the bean in his hand. We cut to...

Storybrooke Center. The forest is overtaking the town at a record pace. None of the rank and file seems to have been of much concern to Team White Hat. I'm sure this is an issue of time, but that's sort of not the audience's problem, Show. If you want to sell us big damned heroes doing the big damned heroic thing and taking the "hard path," then these things matter.

Down in the mine, Regina struggles to contain the trigger and says she can't do it much longer. She looks at Snow, Henry, and Charming who are huddled together, and at Emma, who, like the cheese, stands alone. Emma returns Regina's look then approaches her family. "Mom? Dad?" She hugs the three of them and lays her head on her father's shoulder. Henry peeks out to look at Regina, whose eyes -- shocker -- are full of tears. He breaks from his bio family and goes to the woman who changed every diaper and soothed every fever. Regina says, "I love you, Henry. I only wish I was strong enough to stop all of this." As he throws himself in her arms, she adds, "I'm just not.

Emma hugs her parents once more before it hits her. Looking at the magic emanating from the diamond, her eyes grow wide. She walks over to Regina. "You may not be strong enough, but maybe we are." When Regina's eyes also grow wide, Emma doubles down. If they keep this up, their eyes are going to be rolling on the floor. Charming hustles Snow and Henry to a safer distance. Emma reaches out her hands and does whatever mojo Regina is doing. The magical beams multiply and grow even brighter. Both women quake from the power coursing through them. It grows and grows until they're both thrown off and to the ground. The diamond lands on the rock below. Its glow dims, and then it changes from blue to black. We cut...Outside. The trees and vines that were eating the town alive recede. Gold and Belle exit the shop to watch. We cut back to the...

Mine. The camera pans from Emma, to Charming and Snow. It seems they've all been knocked down and maybe even knocked out. Charming grunts as he sits up and hugs Snow. "We're alive!" They rush to Emma. Regina rises and picks up the diamond. Emma says, "We did it." Regina says, "Yes, we did." Charming smiles. "I've got to hand it to Henry. He's right about a lot of things." Emma says, "Yes he is," and then turns. "Isn't that right, kid?" Her smile fades, Henry is gone! The family searches the mine. When they find Henry's backpack, complete with torn strap Emma realizes the Two-Headed Obstacle must have taken their boy. We cut to the...

Waterfront. Groan manhandles Henry as Tamara leads them past the cannery. Since they tried to destroy Storybrooke, Henry's not inclined to buy her assurance that they're not going to hurt him. Tamara says, "That wasn't the point." Henry takes one for the entire audience when he says, "It wasn't?" Groan says, "We came here to destroy magic, Henry, but then we found something more important. Something that changed everything. You." Groan grabs the boy even more roughly and drags him into commercial.

Regina, Emma, Snow and Charming arrive at the waterfront to find the Two-Headed Obstacle absconding with their boy. When Groan spots them, he throws a magic bean into the water. Regina says, "The last bean," but do either she or Emma try to use any magic to freeze the trio in place? They do not. Sigh. I'd be okay with them failing, since they just expended a lot of energy, but I'm not okay with them (and especially Regina) not trying. Regina and the Charming family rush toward Henry shouting his name, so the Two-Headed Obstacle grabs him and jumps into the portal. As the vortex closes, Emma tries to jump, but Charming holds her back. As they argue about whether there's a way to follow, Gold and Belle arrive on the scene. Charming begs for his help, but Gold says there's no way. "I spent a lifetime trying to cross worlds to find my son. There's no way in this world, without a portal." Regina can't believe that's it. "He's gone forever? I refuse to believe that." It's then that Belle spies Hook's ship returning to port.

After the Jolly Roger docks, Emma asks Hook what the hell he's doing there. He says he's there to help, but Emma tells him he's too late. Hook wonders if that's true and hands Emma the pouch. She grumbles about him not caring for anyone but himself. Hook says he just needed reminding that he could. Having learned her lesson the hardest of ways, Emma checks the pouch until the bean falls into her gloved palm. Regina says they've wasted enough time. It's time to go. Hook says, "Go where? I thought we were saving the town." Happy to be one step ahead of the scalawag, Charming smiles. "We already did." Emma explains that the Two-Headed Obstacle took Henry through a portal. Hook offers his ship and services. Gold says he can handle tracking them and get them to where they need to go.

Gold and Belle hang back as the rest of the crew boards the ship. Belle expects she's going along, but Gold says the town is no longer safe. Charming overhears and asks what he means. Gold says, "Well, Greg and Tamara weren't working alone. Others will follow." Charming doesn't want to leave anyone in danger. Gold produces a small scroll and holds it out to Belle. "After we've gone, follow these instructions. It's a cloaking spell. It will shield the town, making it impossible for anyone to find." Belle nods and puts the scroll in her pocket. "Then how will you find your way back to me?" Realizing he's intruding on a tender moment, Charming charges up the ramp to the deck.

Once they're alone, Gold still doesn't answer Belle. She shakes her head at his silence. "You're not coming back, are you?" Gold says, "The prophecy. The boy is my undoing. But he's also my grandson. I must save him. I must do this to honor Baelfire." And you must do it to honor whatever little kid eventually tries out that swing and crashes his head against those pointy rocks. Gold waves me off and continues. "[Baelfire] is gone, and I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye." Belle blinks back the tears, closes in and lays her hands on Gold's shoulders. "I understand, but I also know that the future isn't always what it seems. I will see you again." She kisses him, and I wince because I don't like seeing them make out. I don't even know why. Carlyle's fine, but while I enjoy them as companions, seeing them as lovers makes me cringe. I should be more like Charming and Billy Joel and leave this tender moment alone. Did I already do a "Leave A Tender Moment Alone" riff in a recent OUaT recap, or was it for The Vampire Diaries? Never mind. Gold and Belle are pained at parting, but both know it's the right thing to do. When she releases him, Belle says, "Baelfire would be very proud of you." Gold nods and watches her leave. We cut to...

L'enchantement. Laying face first in the sand on that strip of beach Mulan and Aurora once led Emma and Snow down, the same strip where Hook once stood with Cora, near the haven I once (probably mistakenly) identified as Neverland -- lies Neal. That's right, grown-up, modern day Neal. Phillip, Aurora and Mulan find him there. Aurora checks Neal's pulse and pronounces him barely alive. "We have to get him help." Yes you do. You also have to tell us the story of how Aurora and Mulan retrieved Phillip's soul from the Chintz Monster. We cut back to...

Storybrooke. Gold boards the Jolly Roger and confronts Hook. "So, are you done trying to kill me?" Hook says, "I believe so." Gold says, "Excellent, then you can live." As the others draw near the tense treaty, Gold waves his hand. From a cloud of purple smoke, Cora's white, locator globe appears. Gold pricks his finger on the needle and lets his blood drip onto the globe. It swirls until it forms into land masses. Regina looks and asks, "Where is that? Where did they take Henry?" Hook answers: "Neverland." He, Gold and Regina all seem to realize what that means. I wish they'd share. We flash back to the...

Enchanted Past. Night. Neverland. Felix presents Bae to some more shrouded (I keep using that word when it's not exactly what I mean -- the have hoods on and cloths hiding most of their faces) Lost Ones and asks, "Is it the boy? The one He wants. A Lost One looks from the sketch in his hand to Bae and says, "No, it's not." Felix tells Bae it's his lucky day. "You get to live." He shoves Bae toward some other Lost Ones and says, "Put him with the rest." We flash forward to...

Storybrooke Harbor. Jolly Roger. Emma hands Hook the bean. He casts it into the water. That's a hell of a throw. The Red Sox could use you, Hook. As the portal opens, the members of Operation Moppet crew the ship like they've been doing so their whole lives. Charming asks Gold who they're up against, adding, "Who are Greg and Tamara?" Gold says, "They're merely pawns..." The fandom says, "We've been saying that for half the season." Gold adds, "...Manipulated by forces far greater than they can conceive. They have no idea who they're truly working for." Emma asks who that might be. Gold says, "Someone we all should fear." Dammit. Is it the Man In Black? We flash back to the...

Enchanted Past. A "shrouded" (what -- I'm owning my mistake) Lost One tells Felix, "That's not the boy He's looking for." He hands Felix the sketch, then adds, "You think we'll be able to find him?" Felix smiles. "Of course we will. May take time, but Peter Pan never fails." The camera pans to the sketch. It's of Henry! We flash forward to...

Storybrooke Harbor. Hook sails the Jolly Roger and our main cast right into the portal. As soon as they're down, the portal closes up and it's nothing but smooth sea. Dun dun dun!

I really loved this episode. It wasn't without its little issues, but it gave me so much hope for Season 3. I'm short on time, so I just want to do one bit of housekeeping before I leave you for the summer: In the recaplet, I mentioned that I was taken aback by some elements of the timeline, surrounding Bae's disappearance from the Enchanted Forest, and Rumpel's murder of Milah. I wasn't as clear as I should have been, and ended up confusing the issue. In my head, I had expected that Bae was gone a lot longer before Hook and Milah returned to Rumpy's neck of the woods, where she lost her life and Hook lost his hand. There's no canonical reason for that. It's just what I thought. Since Bae was only in England for six months and however many weeks, it all took me off guard, but I realized it was all possible. I'm not going to repeat my recaplet wording here because I don't want to perpetuate the confusion (which is all my fault). There's no problem between the continuity of the events in "Crocodile" and the events of "And Straight On 'Til Morning." I knew there wasn't by the time I wrote the recaplet. I just could have worded things better.

Now, I want to request something of the show: Please don't overcrowd Season 3 with a lot of characters we don't care about. I know there will be new characters and probably lots of them, since we're going to a new land. Theoretically, I'm okay with that, but in my opinion, Season 2 lost something along the way, particularly where Greg and Tamara were concerned. There was also so much focus on Regina that it muddied both her arc and Snow's character. The show still has a ton of heart, but some of it got lost (it doesn't have a black spot, it just went missing) this past year. Please get it back. Actually, I'm taking this finale as a promise that that's exactly what's going to happen, since the finale is overflowing with heart. Please give us some more focus on Emma and her journey, too. Also, please, please, please find a way to limit magic. Make some stricter rules or something? In the middle of the season, when Cora could just wave her hand and do anything, it was, in a word, ridiculous, especially since she'd just arrived in Storybrooke, and magic is supposed to work differently there. Maybe stick to spells, potions and enchanted objects, and do away with a lot of the handwaving kind of mojo? I don't know. Also? Maybe pick a moral philosophy and stick with it. Thank you for making such a beautiful story. Since I love it so, I can only imagine how those of you making it feel about it.

It's going to be a long, long summer, without our weekly dose of magic. I hope you enjoy it, and meet me right back here, come fall. To occupy your time and mind, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where, if Hook tries anything, we'll shoot him in the face.

A striking black man that Hannibal met at the opera last week is giving cello lessons to a young man. The boy inquires about the origin of the cellos strings, "Are they really made from cat guts?" The man laughs, "Not always." And then flashes back to killing a man, removing his intestines and making him into cello strings. Hey show: Gross.

Graham invited Dr. Alana Bloom over to help track the animal he thought he heard in the field. They find nothing, but they do firmly establish that their hang-out was not a date. Although Bloom looks a little disappointed about that and so does Graham.

One of Lecter's patients, who IMDB informs me is named Franklin, although I swear that they have never said his name on the show, really wants to be friends with Lecter and won't take the hint that Lecter doesn't want to be friends, even though Lecter flat out told him as much last week. Can someone buy Franklin a clue? No? How about a Kickstarter campaign for his undoubtedly copious counseling bill? Franklin comes in for his weekly session (dressed similarly to Lecter) and announces that he's been analyzing his friends because that's what Lecter would do if he was their friend or something. Franklin Googled psychopathic personality traits and realized his friend Tobias (the cello teacher) fits most of the criteria. Lecter doesn't seem surprised, because clearly Franklin is attracted to psychopaths. Franklin's not sure what to make of that information. Also, I'm pretty sure that Lecter has some sort of Grindr app for psychopaths.

The Victim Du Jour was killed grotesquely, naturally. He was a musician in the Philharmonic (a profession that only serves to remind me of Dana from Ghostbusters) and was strung up on the stage with a cello handle sticking out of his mouth and his throat shredded into strings. In a show that does not shy away from the gross, this crime scene was pretty puke-inducing with the victim turned into a cello and nothing left to the imagination. They leave Graham alone to do his thing. He recreates the crime in his mind and figures out what body part was opened first and why. Turns out the killer wanted to turn the victim into an instrument and play him. As Graham gets in his head, playing the grotesque instrument, he sees the ghost of Garrett Hobbes in the audience applauding.

Lecter returns to Gillian Anderson to talk about his patient who wants to be his friend. He wants to refer Franklin to a different shrink. She nods and says, "Tell me about your Mulder." Just kidding, but obviously that would be the best. Instead she reminds him that she tried to refer him to someone else and he refused to go. Lecter half-smiles that he is far more tenacious than Franklin. Besides, he liked the fact that she was a psychiatrist who returned to her work after she was attacked by a patient. He waxes eloquent about that before she stops him and reminds him that she is his psychiatrist, but he is not hers.

At the crime lab, the CSI types realize that the killer was shrinking and tanning the victim's vocal chords to recreate the cat-gut sound. Graham realizes that the killer is a skilled musician who is trying out a new instrument. He takes his thoughts and ideas to Lecter, of course, who some arcane trivia about classical music and the origin of stringed instruments. Graham restates that this murder was a performance and Graham is haunted by the music. He thinks that the killer was trying to impress someone else with his skill at the kill. Cut to Franklin, back in Lecter's office. He tells Lecter that his psychopath friend Tobias told him that he wanted to cut someone's throat and play him like a cello. Franklin knows that they found a dead man that matched that fantasy and he wants to know whether he should report it to the police. Lecter digs deep and asks Franklin why he thinks Tobias would tell him that. Franklin thinks about it and realizes that Tobias is telling him so that he will tell Lecter. I guess like recognizes like when it comes to psychopaths? Anyway, Lecter goes to check it out. He stops into Tobias' cello shop for a strange and weighted conversation about cat gut strings, the music that lies between notes and the fact that the symphony is looking for a new trombonist. Then Lecter asks for some strings for his harpsichord and Tobias is more than happy to help.

Graham starts hearing weird noises at home again and his dogs just sit there. Useless. Bloom stops by to see what he's up to, and what he's up to is knocking a hole in his chimney to metaphorically free whatever metaphorical raccoon is stuck in his chimney. Bloom is not impressed, but then they start kissing. They stop kissing so Graham can remind her that's he's not her patient and she can talk herself out of kissing him. She thinks they would be bad for each other. So she leaves. After stopping by in the middle of the night for no reason, realizing he's fully nutso what with the middle-of-the-night chimney excavation and then instigating a make out session. Booty Call Interruptus. But, seriously ladies, if you know a guy's crazy, don't make out with him. Or go ahead but fully commit to it.

Lecter is hosting a dinner party once again. This time it's a table for two psychopaths. The first topic of conversation? Whether or not Tobias killed the trombonist. He thinks Lecter knows. Lecter thinks he will be caught by the FBI. Tobias is looking forward to that. He wants the FBI to come and then he will kill them all and then disappear into the night. Lecter looks almost impressed, although that is far too sloppy for his personal taste. Tobias then admits that he wanted to kill Lecter, he even went so far as to follow him out late one night on a lonely road. Lecter looks disquieted, because he knows that Tobias saw him murder someone. Tobias promises not to tell, because he needs a friend. Lecter isn't interested in friends, but admits that he was going to kill Tobias, which is psycho-speak for an olive branch, I guess? Anyway, Tobias looks concerned, but Lecter assures him that he would never sully his food with poison. That almost counts for humor right? The doorbell rings before the men can engage in their mutually assured destruction. It's Graham, all in a tizzy over his kiss. When Lecter returns to the dining room with Graham in tow, Tobias is gone. Lecter explains away the disappearing dinner guest as Graham spills his guts, not literally for once on this show, thank gawd. Lecter listens patiently as Graham admits that he knew there was no animal trapped in his chimney and that it was all in his head. He knows that Bloom didn't want to make out with him because he is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Lecter nods and then tells Graham that his patient knows who the killer is and thinks Graham should investigate. Is Lecter setting Graham up? Or is he setting Tobias up? Both, probably.

Lecter tells Scully that he wants to be friends with Graham. She encourages him, even though Graham is both a colleague and a patient. Cut to Graham and two police officers going to scope out Tobias' cello shop. Tobias looks delighted that they are there and immediately starts throwing out tantalizingly tidbits that are just shy of incriminating. He and Graham talk cat gut, but just when they are getting somewhere Graham thinks he hears a car accident outside or maybe an animal get hit by a car and even though no one else heard anything and even though he knows he is cuckoo and not just for Cocoa Puffs, he still cuts short his murder investigation in order to investigate his auditory hallucinations. When Graham steps out, Tobias springs into action. Graham comes back in to find a dead police officer staining the rug. Graham calls for back up, pulls his weapon and heads into the basement. There he finds a whole lot of guts waiting to be turned into strings. He finds the other officer in a mask of strings, drowned in a tub. As Graham studies the dead officer, Tobias sneaks up on him with a garotte made out of, you guessed it, metal strings. If Tobias was a Marvel super villain he would be called The Cellist. Graham manages to get a shot off, nicking Tobias's ear. Tobias makes a break for it.

Lecter is finally letting Franklin go as a patient. Franklin is having a hard time accepting the fact that he is getting dumped by his therapist, so Lecter tells him, "You focus too much on your therapist and not enough on your therapy." Franklin thinks it's because Lecter is disappointed that he didn't want to turn Tobias in. That's when Tobias walks in, rudely interrupting the session and bleeding all over Lecter's undoubtedly expensive rug. Tobias announces that he just killed two men and Franklin, being a good friend, tries to talk some sense into him. As Franklin is going on and on about helping Tobias do the right thing and assuring him that everything will work out, Lecter breaks his neck and kills him. Tobias pouts, "I was looking forward to doing that." It's some dark humor, but on this show any humor is LOL-worthy. Then Tobias goes ninja and starts whipping a bunch of steel strings around. He's going after Lecter, which comes as quite the shock to Lecter. They tussle and just when it looks like Lecter might lose, he comes through with a gross-out arm break courtesy of his library ladder (take note, nerds) and then beans him with an elk statue. Interestingly, Lecter doesn't leave fingerprints while killing Tobias. Is he covering his tracks? Or just making sure the police don't have his fingerprints on file? Watching Lecter and Tobias battle was seemingly uncharacteristic, but also fun. In the later Hannibal movies, Lecter was sort of scrappy for a fava-bean eating ascot-wearer, so I guess we are seeing some of that transformation now. Later Lecter tells the FBI that Tobias came to kill Franklin for spilling the beans. Jack Crawford doesn't look like he bought it entirely, but Graham is happy to believe his friend. He seems to enjoy seeing that Lecter is not infallible.

Back at his shrink's office, Lecter tells Scully that he feels responsible for what happened to Franklin. Which, of course, he should because he killed him. But Scully tells Lecter that he can't blame himself. Lecter wants to know if she felt responsible when her patient attacked her. She admits she does, but not for his death. Lecter smirks, "Nor should you."

...whereupon we cut to a pair of feet walking as jaunty music plays, and then we pan up -- not too far -- to reveal Chaough, a satisfied smile on his face. We see via the wall clock that it's 9:20 AM, and Peggy comes bustling in behind Chaough with a box of stuff in her hands. They chat a bit as they walk, but Peggy stops at the Creative door to say hello to "everyone" -- that being Stan, Ginzo, and the older woman -- and to introduce them to Ted. Yes, "Ted" -- he's in too many scenes now for me to keep spelling "Chaough" out all the time. Speaking of first names, Stan FINALLY gives us a name for the older woman -- "Margie" -- and Ted tells them it's nice to put faces with names.

While I'm here, I might as well point out that Stan seems friendly enough to Peggy, not that I really expected him to hold a grudge. That's mostly because I think he's doing enough drugs that he doesn't remember why he should, but still. Ginzo, in that inimitable straight delivery that makes you unsure enough that you can't quite accuse him of shade, tells Ted that when he saw him taking a tour the other week, he looked pretty tall, "but now I see you're about my height!" Hee. In case it's not clear on screen, they're both teeny. Not a deal-breaker for either one. Ted comes right back -- "I hope you can still look up to me" -- and Stan is rightly impressed with the quick bon mot. After a few more pleasantries, Peggy and Ted take off, whereupon Margie snarks, "Nice knowin' ya." Seems unfair what happens later, but she kind of does it to herself with that one.

As some furniture is moved, there's a crowd gathered at the base of the internal stairs, and Joan is giving out office assignments. When Moira, who I think is the CGC counterpart to Meredith, if not quite that stupid, protests that having all the Creatives in one room will be crowded, Joan fires back with a brittle smile, "But that may change soon!' Don't think this isn't lost on the huddled masses here. Moira bothers Joan for a bit, but then Ted and Peggy appear, and Joan's happy enough to greet the former but positively delighted to see the latter. Joan then escapes the officious Moira by taking the opportunity to escort Peggy to her office, which is Harry's (and Pete's before him) old one, as it happens. She does caution Peggy she'll have to share it, but Peggy's fine with that as long as she has Phyllis to herself, and we've seen Peggy with Phyllis enough to know this represents actual affection rather than any "don't touch my stuff" mentality.

Joan gets a pain in her side, which looks quite sharp, but she waves it off. They get to the door, which is missing the new nameplate but helpfully has a handwritten sign on it that reads "Peggy Olson, Coffee Chief." Gender politics aside, hee. After Peggy enters, she asks after Joan's son, and Joan playfully replies, "He's the man in my life." I kind of predicted this? Joan in turn asks about Abe, and Peggy babbles that they bought a building together, which I was kind of wondering about last week -- Peggy's "I want her out" line did suggest she might be a landlord -- but now it's completely clear. Joan smiles very warmly and tells Peggy she's glad she's there, and Peggy returns the sentiment. Joan then gets back to work, leaving Peggy to regard her office, which is, as you'll recall, smaller than the one she was in at CGC, even if you don't count the support beam right in the middle of it. On the plus side, it'll function as a natural divider.

Don comes in through all the chaos and looks in to see the partners assembled in the conference room; somehow, Dawn is nowhere to be found. He starts to remove his coat...

...while inside, Bertram is reading from, I guess, an announcement to the staff he or someone else has prepared, which talks about the merger and the CGC performance at the Clio Awards and whatever, and (a) it's not finished and (b) there's no new name yet, apparently, so I'm with Joan when she suggests that they wait until they're done with the personnel changes, even if what she means is "no need to force the walking dead to listen to this drivel." Pete then enters and apologizes, explaining that someone commandeered his secretary; he then discovers that there's no chair for him, which is a nicely unsubtle warm-up for all the ham-fisted metaphors in the episode. Roger can't resist pointing out that Don took the last seat. "And that means you were here after Don!" Heh. Don smiles approvingly at the legendary status his tardiness has achieved because he is an asshole, and then Moira thankfully offers her seat, which is nice but are we SO ENAMORED of this metaphor that no one can step out and get another chair from somewhere? Did no one take a count of the partners before the meeting? Anyway, Ted belays that, getting up instead for Moira while he plunks himself down on the sideboard, and from the way Don looks at him like he has two heads, of course we're to imagine that this is Ted being the Man of the People to Don's aloof boss. I've seen it on series that last this long before; when the seams start to show, you often can't unsee them.

Roger announces that he and Cutler have parlayed the Clio news into an early meeting with Fleischmann's Margarine, and Cutler adds, "They want to be Ted and Don's first love child." Ew. After Meredith points out that this should wait for New Business and is rebuffed with all due respect, Ted thinks the Fleischmann's news is "groovy," and I don't necessarily take issue with him using such parlance, but even the raddest hippie would probably think twice before using it to describe margarine. Meredith starts reading off company names for Ongoing Business, and when she announces "The New York State Thruway," Pete brings up Mohawk Airlines -- brushing aside Meredith's renewed protests for going out of order -- and says that the rep, Henry Lamont, considers the Thruway account a conflict, so they should resign. Cutler, however, thinks this is a stretch, and when Ted points out that the Thruway is a limited media budget compared to Mohawk, Cutler counters that the client is New York State, and they give the money for their buy up front. Roger: "And you already spent it." Pete wonders why Cutler didn't tell them that, so Cutler shoots back that perhaps they should have told him that their disaster with Vick's was going to cost them Clearasil as well. As Cyril was fantastically so fond of saying this season on Archer, "Burn." Never to be outdone in contests to keep it classy, Pete sardonically asks why Cutler didn't tell them that Gleason was dying, but Ted pipes up that he's going to be fine. It's only because I just caught this again on TV that you're getting this reference, Ted, but I'm not sure that I agree with you one hundred percent on your police work there. Don chimes in that he knows the Mohawk client, so he and Pete will fly up there. Nobody points out that the last interaction Don and Lamont had ended on terms that were less than good, but Joan does add that Ted will need to join them as well. It then comes out that Ted's a pilot, news at which Pete looks as delighted as Don looks terrified, particularly when Ted offers to take them all up to Mohawk. Don can't really object, though, and then Clara comes in to tell Pete there's an urgent phone call for him, so he stands and announces that however they're going, they should do it the next day. When he's gone, they move on to the next client, who belongs to Burt Peterson and Ken, and that's not the first time we've heard that pairing in this meeting, which surely would get Pete's goat...

...but he's got more immediate problems, as the phone call is from his super or some other member of the building staff -- his mother is in his apartment. The guy tells Pete that Dot -- that is her name, if you'll recall -- was banging on his door demanding to see his father, and she was making such a racket he thought someone was going to call the police. Pete asks to speak with her, so "Billy" puts her on the phone, but not without Pete asking him if he'd get her a gin and tonic with two ice cubes. It may seem like an imposition, but Pete's probably doing Billy a favor. Dot informs Pete that she found his address on her nightstand "in some woman's handwriting," and she assumed his father was up to his old tricks. Pete doesn't know where to start with that one, so he tells her he's going to send his brother Bud over to get her, to which Dot replies that Bud's "going to send that girl Trudy." Pete informs her that Bud's wife is Judy while his is Trudy, thank you very much, but Dot isn't impressed: "Now I suppose I'm crazy for mixing those up." Hee. They disconnect, after which Pete makes another call. Normally he'd get Clara to do it, but a rotary phone does enable you to dial with extreme prejudice.

The meeting is just breaking up, and Don's the first to leave, which really befits the last to arrive. He pauses at the chaos in front of Dawn's desk -- again, no indication of where she is -- and then Peggy and Burt appear. Burt crows about the worm having turned, and I love Michael Gaston but I'm not sure what Burt thinks he's on about here; in any case, Don is as gracious as he gets in saying it's nice to have the old team back together, although he is looking only at Peggy when he says it. Peggy smiles, then asks in reference to the ringing phone, "Do you want me to get that?" Hee. Don answers, and it's Sylvia; he tells his two now-subordinates he's got to take it, and Burt smiles, but there's an edge in his tone as he says he and Don will have plenty of time to catch up on flights to Detroit. When Don's gone, Burt tells Peggy, "He's still a cold fish," but Peggy doesn't care so hard that she's out of frame before the words exit his mouth.

Sylvia asks Don to come over, as she needs him, "and nothing else will do." Don gets an interested look on his face and considers for a moment before telling Sylvia he'll meet her at 12:30 at the Sherry-Netherland Hotel. "Call me with a room number." I may be jumping the gun a bit here, but: Yes, master!

Burt comes in to see Roger, who invites him to have a seat and remarks, "Here we are again!" Burt huffily tells Roger that he hasn't forgotten anything, to which Roger remarks that sometimes, you do something and you don't realize until later how much you enjoyed it. I wouldn't be surprised if you could find that line in the pages of Sterling's Gold, but Roger's point is that you have to remember to savor it if the opportunity comes around again. Burt takes this as a conciliatory gesture and tells Roger he thinks he can work with him as well, but Roger's like, oh no no no -- you're fired! Burt can't believe it, but Roger gleefully goes on that no one fought for Burt, and as it happens, Ken is off touring the Chevrolet plant right now by himself. Burt tries to say that he's got four million in billings, but Roger says that's exactly the issue -- he was picturing Burt talking over him in meetings. "Now, I don't have that problem." He goes on in this vein, breezily and prickishly dismissing the possibility of any kind of severance, and are we as the audience supposed to know where this is coming from? When Burt was last fired, he had a dying wife, and it was taken as a real tragedy, only done on orders from London. It also doesn't seem like Burt did a bad job for CGC -- even if no one fought for him, it sounds like it was either him or Ken, and coming in second to Ken Cosgrove is no shame, no matter what Pete might say. No, I think the show's going for funny here and miscalculating badly, at least the way I see it; I also find it not particularly credible that the CGC partners would leave this firing to Roger, however distasteful they might have found doing it themselves...

...but it's happened regardless, and when Burt runs into Benson on his way out, the latter introduces himself with an enthusiastic smile and his slightly-too-loud voice and says he's supposed to report to him. Burt: "Well, as the first order of business, I recommend you stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye!" It lacks the vitriol of his last firing, but it's a pretty decent exit line nonetheless, and Benson looks appropriately horror-stricken. If he were carrying two coffees, I'm sure he'd spill at least one of them.

Here's the knock on the hotel-room door none of us have been waiting for, and Sylvia answers from the darkened interior. Inside, Don pulls her into a kiss in an I-saw-it-in-a-movie-once romantic way, and after he gets her on the bed, he asks her to repeat the bit she told him earlier about how nothing else would do. Guess what? She does.

Back at the office, the Creative people from the two agencies are exchanging a little small talk as Ted looks annoyed that Don's not there yet. Stan talks about how he worked on the KKK spot that was "too hot to run," and Ginzo tells him it's very impressive. Stan thanks him, whereupon Ginzo clarifies, "You made it fifteen minutes before you brought it up!" Hee. Peggy joins the group, and when she tells Ted that she just spoke with what could be either "Don" or "Dawn," Ted asks, "Black or white?" Oh, Ted. Peggy wisely declines to answer directly, instead going on that "she" wouldn't tell her anything. "She's an excellent secretary." Well, as good as one can be for not actually being in the episode. I understand budget issues, believe me, but this is feeling like we're about to find out that Dawn's actually being held against her will at Judy Bernly's house.

Ted decides to start the meeting, and as such tells them that before they formally get into Fleischmann's specific benefits and previous work, he wants to, "I don't know, have a little rap session about margarine in general." I don't know what to tell you other than that I'm quite sure I transcribed that accurately. His point is for them to free-associate; Mathis, after being whispered to by his art guy, offers "My grandmother," while Peggy intones, "Yellow." Ginzo comes up with a few descriptive adjectives, which Ted encourages, but when Ginzo adds that people hate it, Ted takes umbrage to the statement. Ginzo: "You said there were no wrong answers." Ted: "I didn't say that." Heh. In Ginzo's defense, though, I'll say that the exercise alone heavily implied it, but Stan, Judas that he is, only pipes up that he doesn't hate it. Peggy then tells the group that Napoleon III invented margarine, "because armies need to move and it never spoiled." That's true of soup made from boiled socks and pencils, too, but I suppose I take her point. So does Ted, and Stan, impressed, wonders how she knew that, but Peggy tells him she just did. Ted asks them to get down ten uses for margarine. "French Army's number one." Not to get too into semantics, Ted, but the French Army is a use for margarine? (Sorry to quote Cyril Figgis again, but it's like "The Nazis invented Neil Armstrong?")

Sylvia's getting dressed and complaining about how Rosen told her to "cut the apron strings" with respect to their son, which is rich coming from a man who rushed upstairs to borrow some wrapping paper so Mitchell's star would remain undiminished in his mother's eye. And Sylvia does seemingly have reason to worry, as the boy is in Paris (I neglected to mention it last episode, but Rosen did tell Marie that Mitchell was bound for the Continent) and "all of France in on fire; I don't even know if the phones are working." Don very sympathetically is like, I don't want to hear about your husband, and then he settles into a chair, fixes her with a look, and tells her he wants her to crawl on her hands and knees to find his shoes.

And look, I have no problem with the show exploring S&M per se. The issue is that Don is just so bad at it; he's coming off like he just read and thought he'd give it a whirl. His characterization has been all over the place this season, so I'm not shocked that there's no discernible motivation for this happening now, but he had far more magnetism even as recently as a couple seasons ago and could have pulled this off without question. Now, though, it's just embarrassing -- not least because he clearly doesn't really believe in what he's doing -- and if the show acknowledged that, it would be one thing, but having Sylvia -- talk about characterizations that make no sense; this is the same woman who supposedly lies awake at night worrying about Don's salvation -- be so easily and creepily turned on by it isn't credible to me at all. But for now, she gets his shoes and puts them on his feet, whereupon he tells her to get undressed and back into bed. Once she's obeyed, he gets to his feet, tells her not to go anywhere, and leaves, and she's like, TF? Seriously, don't you wonder how these two even got together in the first place?

Back at the Creative meeting, Ted notes that he's hearing a lot about bread, like, I know you're trying to foster ideas here, but did you think Napoleon III's soldiers used it to polish their boots? And even if they did, would that translate into an appealing marketing campaign? After Stan walks into the bread basket again and Ginzo is like, "What did he just say?" Don appears, and Peggy acts natural, but Ted, not used to the SCDP Cult Of Don's Tardiness we saw on display earlier, fixes Don with a disapproving look. Don's explanation is that he got "held up," not that "his slave was slow with his shoes," and he grabs some toast with more authority than he conveyed giving Sylvia those commands earlier. For his own power play, Ted calls the meeting to a close, saying they'll be ready for research later in the week, but Don isn't one to be embarrassed in a work environment, as he tells Peggy to set the meeting and bails. Ted heads off after Don, and we don't see it, but I'm pretty sure Peggy's conferring with Ginzo and Stan as to how much earlier they should tell Don the next meeting is than the actual start to get him there exactly on time.

Ted catches up to Don and cuts right through his attitude to tell him the meeting was at one, and being five or ten minutes late is one thing, but delaying everyone for forty minutes is unacceptable. "I've got better things to do! But obviously you did too." Don's going to have to up his game now that he's got an equal in both rank and verbal ability here. He wordlessly enters his office and closes the door, and we stay with Ted for about fifteen seconds as he walks to his office across the way and closes the door in an approaching Moira's face. I get it, but it seems like a lot of camera time to back up the idea that these two are opposites. But I suppose when it's the only time you make that point, you can afford to be a little indulgent.

Sylvia gets a call from Don, and she asks him if he's on his way. In response, he puts on that voice that's going for "sexy command" but in reality sounds kind of like that high-school kid on Seinfeld who gave Elaine all the video recommendations. He tells her she's going to wait there, and she won't know when he's coming back, to which she asks what's gotten into him. My answer would be a Smurf, but he merely tells her not to answer the phone again, and then he shows how good he is at this game by calling back LITERALLY IMMEDIATELY, like, way to test her resolve there, guy. Like I said, I have no problem with this subject matter; it just pains me to watch someone be so bad at it. Sylvia doesn't share my opinion, though, as her WTF expression turns to one of girlish glee as she slides down under the covers, and then she touches herself to the ringing phone. His work here done, Don picks up a bottle from his bar...

...and then Ted gets a buzz that Don's there for him. He enters with the bottle and two glasses, proclaiming them an "olive branch," and given what it's going to do to Ted, he might as well just hit him in the face with it right now. Ted doesn't move, but Don pours the drinks anyway and says he thought they should discuss margarine alone. He then gets all swaggery about how quickly he can drink, and tells Ted that of course he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to, but after Ted does his best, downing an evening's worth of booze in about ten seconds, Don asks if Ted wants to show him his notes. Ted: "It took forty minutes to figure out no one knows shit about margarine." This elicits a genuine laugh, and the tension fades as they get to work. Of course, Don declares his intention to drink more, and that's not normally news but he's making a point.

Pete arrives home to find Bud, and the fact that he's got a drink in his hand but still hasn't taken off his overcoat should tell Pete where this is going. Pete asks where Dot is, hearing this in response: "She spent twenty-five minutes looking for a dish for the nuts, and then she went into the bathroom. Good luck!" Hee. Pete tries to tell Bud that he's got to be the one to take her, as his office situation is a shitshow at the moment, but Bud's like oh, yes, the merger -- that's the one you went to a competitor of my company's to underwrite, correct? "I caught a shovelful for that, Pete. I got to pretend to my partners that you don't believe in nepotism." Pete, however, is too concerned with the fact that he had NO CHAIR at the meeting to pay attention to much else, as he thinks it signals him being phased out. Bud tells Pete to calm down -- he has a long drive home. So, he and the rest of Pete's family are still unaware of the rift with Trudy. This is surprising, but given the explosion of boxes over at SCDP, it can't have been that long since the last episode. Bud adds that even Dot's cleaning woman quit, as Dot "cut all ties" and now the whole place smells like a rabbit warren. Yikes. I had friends when I was younger who had just one rabbit and the smell was overwhelming; can't blame anyone for crying hostile work environment here. Bud adds that Judy has been finished with Dot ever since she snapped her with a tea towel across the face (don't condone the action, but the mental image is kind of hilarious), and adds that maybe they can get the paperwork started to have her committed, but in the meantime, it's Pete's turn. Out of arguments, Pete lets Bud go, and then Dot appears, dressed to go out but with her mind all over the place. Pete informs her she'll be spending the night, and she can have the bed, but Dot tells him she never sleeps. Well, that explains quite a bit, although I'm not sure how Pete's dad got away with so many affairs in that case. She then holds out a bone-dry glass and asks him to "freshen" it, and he looks at her like she's a use for margarine. Well, if the French Army is, why can't she be?

Speaking of margarine, Don and Ted are having a very serious discussion about which Gilligan's Island character is which margarine, and Ted, who's lying down, half-slurs, "I don't know who's Ginger. Probably Parkay." Hee. Ted breaks some ideas down systematically, prompting Don to make a disparaging comment about using formulas to come up with ideas before pouring some more booze into Ted's glass. Ted protests that he has to eat something -- good thinking -- and does a good job of looking like he's got the spins as soon as he sits up, whereupon Don gives him a scenario -- it's morning, and a farmer's wife sets pancakes with margarine on top on the kitchen table; there's heavy cream and fried eggs and Don's talking like this is an amazing concept for some reason when it in fact sounds like a parody of itself; it manages to be pedestrian, generic and unbelievable at the same time. Sure, they churn their heavy cream, but they'll sully their pancakes with margarine -- not Fleischmann's for any particular reason, it's worth adding. I keep expecting the show to be in on the joke, like, Don makes fun of Ted for having a creative process and then demonstrates his superior skill... by shitting out a concept that a five-year-old could come up with and storyboard. I mean, I'll give Ted a pass because he's seeing eight of Don and all he can think about at the moment is bacon, but Lord.

There's a knock on the hotel-room door, and Sylvia, still swathed in a sheet, opens it to find a box from Saks; inside, she discovers it contains a red evening dress and looks all appreciative again. Ugh.

Joan gets a knock on her door. Holding a wastebasket close to her face, she asks for a minute, but Benson comes in anyway. Joan reproves him, but he simply misheard her, and it's a good thing, too, as she experiences a convulsive pain. After determining it couldn't be her appendix -- wrong side -- Benson tells her she can't stay, but she's worried about the staff seeing what she's going through. After considering for a moment, though, he kindly takes her arm and tells her to walk with him, "and I'll bother you all the way out. No one will know." Aw. Benson's my favorite new addition this season, not that there are that many to choose from.

Ginzo and Margie are playing cat's cradle (hee) in the creative area while Peggy asks in wonder who talked Topaz into TV spots. Ginzo claims credit, but adds that Margie took the account over, and Margie adds, "The client still calls me 'Peggy'." Heh. Ted then stumbles in, red-faced as can be, and takes a survey of who likes Bobby Kennedy and who wants Gene McCarthy. Peggy wisely gives him her seat, and it's lucky Pete's not around to see that, and then when Mathis tells him he's voting for Nixon, that's enough to cause Ted to put his head down on the desk right there. Well, if you're going to pass out, picking a stylistic cue is a plus. Don, having won this round, tells the rest of the team to call it a day, and most of them don't wait to be asked twice, but Peggy glowers at Don's back before trying to get Ted up. Without moving, he's like, "I'm fine!" Hee. LOVE him.

We return to a close-up of a bowl that's collecting the drips from a leak in the ceiling, and the stuff looks like it melted from the New York snow Kim Carnes would sing about years later. Joan, still looking ashen and uncomfortable, is sitting in a waiting area when Benson returns with a Coke for her and the news that her babysitter agreed to stay, but he couldn't get hold of her mother, so he's not leaving. Joan realizes she's probably still in the Catskills, and I'm very happy for Gail that she's getting out of the house, even if it means she has to field constant reminders to try the fish. After Benson offhandedly lets us know he's unattached, Joan worries about Kevin's fate should anything happen to her, and Benson tries to assure her it's just food poisoning, but another stab of pain prompts Joan to demur, and Benson can't take any more and leads Joan up to the counter. The older nurse on duty at first refuses to look up so steadfastly you'd think she was on the subway, but Benson is undeterred as he tells her he's like really really dumb, and their problem is something he's totally sure she could handle with her "medical expertise" -- you see, Joan drank some furniture polish by accident, as she wasn't wearing her glasses. This gets the woman's attention, and she's like, you do need to see a doctor, as if everyone else in there only ingested Windex. Joan immediately gets escorted to a bed...

...while Sylvia, having changed into the dress, is reading (is that ALLOWED?) in the chair when Don finally returns. After some talk about the outfit, she grabs her purse and asks where they're going, but he tells her they're not going anywhere -- she's for him. "You exist in this room for my pleasure." I don't really know how to explain further how this isn't working for me, but he's unconvincing enough that it's like he's checking in with her every few seconds all "See what I'm doing? Getting off on this?" It's like the bondage version of him being all gaga over Megan tasting the orange sherbet. Sylvia uncertainly asks if they're going to eat, but he tells her to take off all her clothes, and after considering a moment, she complies, eventually somewhat getting into making a show of it...

...and then Don's climbing into bed with a sleeping Megan, having proved... that he can accurately measure a woman's dress size by eye, I suppose. That I would already have believed.

Ted is nodding in a hospital-room chair, looking disheveled and exhausted, when Gleason, who looks like he's going down rapidly, comes to and remarks that Ted looks worse than he does. I wouldn't go that far, but the fact that it's close says something, and Ted confesses he slept on the floor of his office because he couldn't find the couch. Hee. Ted goes on that Don seems more interested in him than he is in their work, and Gleason replies, "But you're not very interesting!" Ted: "He doesn't know that!" Hee. This, I liked; it's a quick moment, but real friends and business associates who make their living with words and humor can't let an opportunity to bust on each other like that pass, no matter the circumstances. Gleason asks what Don's like, and it seems odd to me that they apparently never got the entirety of both sets of partners together even as hurried as the merger was, but Ted tells him Don's mysterious, "but I can't tell if he's putting it on. He doesn't talk for long stretches and then he's incredibly eloquent." After a bit more deprecating humor, Gleason quotes, "If I wait patiently by the river, the body of my enemy will float by," and I wonder how Sun Tzu would feel about his wisdom being used in regard to dick-measuring strategy among ad men. Kind of feeling me, Ted sighs that it's all such a waste of energy, but Gleason counsels him to give Don the early rounds and he'll tire himself out. Ted looks like he appreciates the advice, but also realizes he doesn't know what he's going to do without Gleason. Also, his liver is quaking in fear of this "Round Two."

Pete's about to leave for work when his mother calls him out for obviously living there full-time, and wonders if Trudy's done with him. And she got the name of his soon-to-be-ex-wife right this time! Of course, moments later she's thinking her husband is still alive, but Pete tells her to stay put, as her place is being sprayed due to all the vermin infesting it, and when she asks if she can go get her things, he tells her lies that make her think she's even more confused than she actually is. It's not worth getting upset about how this family treats its members since they're all horrible, but it's an instinct that's still hard to resist.

Don enters the office and once again finds that Dawn is not at her desk, and again, I understand they can't have Teyonah Parris every episode, but there are ways to fix it to it's not so crazy obvious. I mean, if Don looks askance at her empty desk, how are we supposed to take it in stride? When Don enters his office, he finds Peggy and gruffly wonders why she didn't wait outside, but she tells him the entire visit is confidential. Don is like, what, you want to quit already? There's enough of an edge to come off as unfriendly, but Peggy's not there to make friends! It's just too bad there's no throwing wine handy. She tells Don that she hoped Ted would rub off on him, not the other way around. Don, of course, is unimpressed, eventually snarking that SCDP risked itself "just so I could have you in this office complaining again," but Peggy snaps back that Ted can't drink like Don. "And you must know that, because nobody can." It does make you wonder exactly how much he's imbibed the times we've seen him wasted, and if SCDP has a line item in its budget for such supplies. Don tells Peggy Ted's a grown man, but she points out he is too. "Move forward." I feel like Peggy's the Cassandra of this episode, which I guess explains why I agree with her so strongly.

Harry is assuring Pete that he's going to be fine, as with Peterson gone and Ken off servicing Chevrolet, everything else is going to fall to him. Pete's worried about Cutler, but Harry complains about his new, shittier office before Clara comes in with news of another phone call from he-knows-who -- there's been a fire. I was going to say I hope Dot knew better than to put it out with her gin and tonic, but then I realized she'd rather burn than give up a G&T. Pete storms out past Clara, leaving Harry quietly to ask if it's Trudy, but Clara quickly shakes her head before withdrawing as well.

Lying post-coitally in bed (I'm guessing, but for all I know, he ordered her to do a round of calisthenics instead), Sylvia says that she doesn't know what it is -- she doesn't want to think about anything. Wish I currently had that luxury. Don asks who told her she was allowed to think -- yawn -- before informing her that he's flying upstate, and when he comes back, he wants her ready. She agrees, but he tells her he's taking her paperback too, and there have been about a billion Fifty Shades Of Grey jokes on the internet this week, but the show's on its hands and knees begging for them. At least that's thematic, I guess.

Moira comes into Ted's office and asks if he has a moment for Clara; as soon as it's established who she is, Ted nods, and Clara enters and informs him that Pete had an emergency and Don's out, so she wants to reschedule the meeting. Ted, however, already unimpressed with SCDP professionalism, tells her there's no way, and then at least Don appears and asks if Ted's ready to go. When he hears what's going on, Don wonders when Pete can join them, adding that it's raining pretty hard, but Ted tells him they should go immediately, and once they're above the clouds, everything will be great. Don looks like he believes that no quite so much, but he started this game...

...so he can't really back out, even though in the plane, he looks like most people do when they drink a case of Canadian Club in an afternoon. I'm not convinced that a tiny plane such as this would get clearance to take off in such a heavy storm, but once again, neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night stays these metaphors from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. In that vein, with Ted and Don highlighting their differences by sitting so close they're practically in each other's lap, I'm not sure where they would have fit Pete anyway, unless they were going to strap him to a wing, which I admit would have been fun to see. Anyway, when Don loses his cool, he really loses it -- he couldn't look more scared if Ted suddenly addressed him as "Dick Whitman," but then they get above the clouds and it's a sunny day! Nothing's gonna stop them now! They stood this storm together! Not that Don isn't still shaken, and Ted twists the knife: "Sometimes when you're flying, you think you're right-side-up but you're really upside-down." Heh. Don takes out Sylvia's book -- it's The Last Picture Show, and I have to give it a nod for being made into one of my all-time favorite films. Less good is, when Ted brings up what Don might say to Mohawk, Don conceding the round by admitting it's irrelevant: "No matter what I say, you're the guy who flew us up here in his own plane." I'm not convinced Don would give Ted the satisfaction by saying this out loud, but I suppose I shouldn't look for reasons not to enjoy a good Don Draper defeat.

Coming into the apartment from outside (and I mistakenly said in the recaplet this was in Jersey, but we know Joan lives somewhere in upper Manhattan), Gail tells Benson she's not sure if "Joanie" is awake, but Benson only wants to drop off a kid's-size football, jauntily wrapped in a red bow and ribbon. Gail, however, heads in to investigate, and Joan emerges from the bedroom in a robe and is surprised to see Benson. As he hands over the gift, he apologizes that he wasn't planning on dropping in like this but wanted to see if she was feeling better. Joan smiles that Kevin is only two and as such will merely play with the bow, and then Gail's like, have a seat! Stay a while! Woman knows a good thing when she sees it, but Benson tells them he has to get back to the office -- he did leave his overcoat on his chair, but that will probably only work so long. At my first job I had a friend who would take off entire afternoons to play golf with essentially no more sophisticated a trick. He, too, was quite good-looking, though.

Gail sees Benson out and then comes back to tell Joan he's adorable -- we're all starting to think so -- but Joan thinks he's too young for her. Gail, however, replies that she knows from experience that younger men are not intimidated by powerful women, and having experienced that for herself in ways both good and bad, I can't believe Joan would argue the point. She does, however, express the opinion that Benson isn't interested, and she's possibly jumping to that conclusion because now he's seen her at less than her best, but she might also have a point when she adds that Benson's worrying about his job. Also, we learn that Joan had a cyst on her ovary, and my great friend Mark Blankenship spared me the trouble of making any remarks about that with this hilarious piece. Gail tells Joan that every good deed is not part of some plan, prompting Joan to reconsider the gift in a new light. Joan, you don't care what I think and also you are fictional, but that's not going to stop me from green-lighting you here.

Pete trudges back into the office and mumbles that Dot left the teakettle on, and the fire was mostly smoke. Clara, of course, then has to give Pete the news that the meeting happened without him, and "apparently it went very well." Pete gets his trademark lemon-sucking face as he tells her that him not being there precludes it having gone "very well," and does she understand her employment is tied to him? Given the apparent secretarial shortage, I wouldn't necessarily take his word for it, but Clara merely nods and tells him not to feel bad that he was taking care of his mother. Pete: "My mother can go to Hell. Ted Chaough can fly her there." Hee. Also, she would get to see her husband again that way! He asks her to give him a minute, and after she exits, he leans against his desk like he's an old man. Time to take a little more out of the hairline, H&M Department.

Don enters the hotel room and uncertainly looks around before calling out that he's there, which is more "Honey, I'm home," than "Woman, get on your knees," not that that's going to be relevant much longer. You see, Sylvia emerges from the bathroom dressed and ready to leave, and she tells him she thinks it's time to go home. "I think this is over." He doesn't read her, for which I can't entirely blame him since this character has been all over the place, so she takes his hand and tells him she had a dream -- a plane crashed, after which she went to Don's funeral and Megan cried on her shoulder, and then she returned to Arnold and told him, "I've been away, but I'm home. The metaphorical 'home' and 'away.' It's a stretch to say I was literally away, since most of the time Don and I were banging in the maid's room, but I was emotionally away. And now I'm emotionally home, so when I leave to go to the grocery store, there's no need to think of me as 'away' because I won't be." Dreams are often hard to parse, so I thought I'd explain that one for you. And honestly, if Megan crying on Sylvia's shoulder in real life didn't move Sylvia to anything but jealousy, I find it hard to believe a dream would, but again, I shouldn't argue with results of which I'm in favor, so let's let Sylvia tell Don again how it's time to go HOME: "This is over, and not just this." Heh, I like that she has no idea what to call what they've been up to here.

Don's bravado cracks, and he tries to tell her that it's easy to give something up when you're satisfied -- as if he'd know anything about it -- but she counters, "It's easy to give something up when you're ashamed." Aside from the fact that that's not necessarily true, I never read shame from her before, so maybe we can partially blame Casting for the misstep with this character. Desperate, he begs her with a "Please," but she merely tells him they should go. Defeated, he opens the door for her, but after she leaves, he looks at the red dress lying on the bed. I know it's meant to be symbolic -- what around here isn't, lately? -- but it's not like you let her wear the damn thing for more than ten seconds in your presence anyway. How attached could she be?

Roger, Pete, Joan and Cutler are having a personnel meeting -- this is where we officially learn that Margie got the axe -- and Cutler wants to can Benson to even out the numbers between SCDP and CGC. Pete advocates for Benson, and I'm glad there's no guilt by association for that debacle with his father-in-law, but Cutler is still unimpressed, and falls back on the "Last in, first out" rule. Well, we know Don would be in favor. Roger and Pete don't have an answer to that, but Joan is like, okay, sure -- except Bob has been very involved with Ken's accounts, and with Ken in Detroit -- sounds like he's there for a good long while -- firing Benson might compromise their continuity of service. This, of course, only makes Peterson's firing seem even hastier, but Cutler gives in, and Pete and Joan exchange a conspiratorial look before Joan moves on to the secretaries...

...while Don and Sylvia are returning home, and I hope one of the benefits of this breakup is that we'll be seeing less of this goddamn elevator, especially since they spend another fifteen seconds -- again, some more -- on a dull-as-ditchwater two-shot. John Slattery on the whole has been okay in the past as a director, but this episode is off in so many ways. When long moments lack dialogue, they have to be more meaningful, not less. This is just feeling like a director imitating the show's established practices rather than understanding them; it's not working. Anyway, the elevator FINALLY opens, and Sylvia walks out without looking at Don because, in case you were not sure, she is HOME. Don looks plaintive as the doors close...

...and then Megan's bringing him a drink as she talks about taking a little vacation from the show so they can go somewhere. After she sits, she keeps talking, but her voice fades to nothing. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? (Here's one idea.)

Oh, right, we're not done yet. In the dark, Dot, wearing a headscarf that Norma Desmond would covet, comes in to wake Pete up with the news that "they shot that poor Kennedy boy." Of course, Pete thinks his addled mother is talking about JFK, but from the dates, we know it's Bobby Kennedy...

...and then we cut to Megan sitting on the edge of the bed watching the TV report, her face stained with tears. Don, dressed for work, comes in, walks past her, and sits facing off to the side as "Reach Out Of The Darkness" plays. You know, the one that goes, "I think it's so groovy now/that people are finally getting together"? Because these two are not getting together? I mean, I know the song's really about assembly and protest for change, and a little research shows that this song debuted the day before this assassination, so I can forgive the obviousness of the irony with respect to this scene, but this is a camera setup that makes me wonder if the scene was filmed on "Take Your Film Student To Work Day." Less obvious is the question of whether Don's mysterious hearing loss was temporary, but that's a question for next week's episode, which at least rates to be better based on general probabilities. See you then.

John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. His new film, a documentary on online privacy and the sale of personal data called Terms And Conditions May Apply, will be in theaters in July. You can get news on it from the film's Twitter account. Also, you can email John at couchbaron@gmail.com, follow him on Twitter at https://twitter.com/couchbaron, or check out his blog, "Pull Up A Chair," which he'd just love for you to stop by.

After the credits, all of the top ten are back, singing "Glad You Came" in unison while all dressed in white as though they're either in a cult or dead, when in fact only one of those can be true. They get to enjoy a bit of applause in an awkward finishing-pose until the announcer calls out the judges, during whose entrance the celebrity-cam finds Adam Lambert, Taylor Hicks, Kimberly Locke and probably some other former frontrunners I don't recognize. Step it up, celebrity-cam. Enter Ryan in a tux, re-presenting Candice and Kree, who get a standing ovation from the audience before even singing a note. Ryan tries to chat them up a bit, but they're going on five hours of sleep so it's like trying to interview a pair of helium balloons.

Ryan introduces The Band Perry, which despite their dumb-ass name turns out to be capable of putting on a decent show. If you're into a country band that stole its choreography from Warrant, that is. Janelle gets to join in from the second verse on, and seems to be having a great time, silly moves and all. Almost to the point where it must be almost worth losing.

There's a little clip package about how the top five dudes think it's super-suspicious that they all got wiped out, five in a row. There's a supposed flashback to Kree giving Curtis Finch, Jr. the ugly-ass jacket he sang in the week he went home and going on to high-five Angie in the hallway. And then of Angie encouraging Paul Jolley to make jokes on the stage, Amber drugging Devin Velez's coffee, Janelle hand-editing Lazaro's chart to hide the key change that he never made, and Burnell getting shaken down by Candice for his lunch money, which he claims is the real reason he lost the weight. And then the little clip ends with the eliminated dudes busting into a party and confronting the girls and Jordin Sparks, who says it was lonely being the last female winner and wishes the guys luck on The Voice. Hilarious. Ryan then introduces them in a stiffly-performed group sing of "Let's Hang On," which they weren't able to do, so that's not nice. But at least they get to make it a whole Frankie Valli medley, with "Walk Like a Man" (which they did, away from the competition), and introduce Frankie Valli himself to finish it out as he leads them through "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" and "Grease." The number does its job admirably, which is to fill a great deal of time.

After the ads, we come back to what looks and sounds like Mariah already in the middle of a medley of her biggest hits, without benefit of an intro from Ryan, or a big edited package about how awesome she is, or all the vocal capabilities she used to have. Each song has about thirty whole seconds devoted to it and she stands motionless on a pedestal like a cake decoration. She finishes up and thanks everyone including Randy, who was supposedly backing her up on guitar. Not that I'm convinced there was a live track anywhere in that mix.

Amber is back to sing "Next to Me" so try to look surprised when she introduces the original singer, Emeli Sande. And try to forget that it was Candice who sang this on the show last week. Their voices match nicely, even if their outfits don't. Emeli looks like Amber's cool English teacher.

Then there's a retrospective overview of the Ford Fiesta missions, which I've already covered once and don't plan to do again. But it's also serving as a set-up for the top two to do something for their "hometown mentors," which are Candice's grandmother and Kree's musical brother-figure Misa, who were presented with tickets to the finale during their hometown visits. Fortunately that's not all: they're also getting cars! But they're only Fiestas, so that must be a bittersweet moment for both of them.

Guess who's next? Psy. Yes, that Psy, performing "Gentleman" instead of "Gangnam Style." This new one's a little slower and darker, which is exactly what we've been clamoring for from Psy, right? Still got the moves, though. And I didn't know you could say "mato-fato" on TV without getting bleeped.

If Mariah gets to sing, so does Keith, I guess. Ryan doesn't introduce him either, so I don't know what the song is called. It's the overproduced Poor Man's Jimmy Buffet one, if that helps. Ryan belatedly tells us it's called "Little Bit of Everything," asks the Glover family in the audience if they're nervous (they are), and introduces Candice to sing "Inseparable." I'm really impressed with how quickly Keith Urban's band got cleared off the stage, if nothing else. Candice's song turns into a duet with Jennifer Hudson, who can actually keep up with her. Look upon your future self, Candice Glover. Could be a whole lot worse. They do this big finish that's so big they need to get a room.

Angie Miller is back at the piano, singing "Titanium" in a duet with Adam Lambert. By which I mean she's at the piano and he's next to it. Alas, it doesn't get nearly as Fabulous Baker Boys as I might have hoped. They sound pretty good together though, with him taking most of the higher parts. Big hug at the end, but I think that was the first performance of the night that the judges didn't stand up for. Not that Keith is back yet, and God knows where Randy is. Then Adam Lambert introduces Angie's personal idol, Jessie J, with whom Angie gets to sing her second duet in a row. Nice consolation prize for the second runner-up, Never mind that Jessie J showed up spear bald. Now Nick and Mariah stand up. They must have known all along that more was coming. After that's over, Adam and Ryan come back out so Jessie J can plug her upcoming single, which kind of gets overshadowed when Jessie J invites Angie to come to the UK and do her own song at a Jessie J show, since she didn't get to sing that tonight. So I think we might have a winner already, and it isn't Kree or Candice.

After the ads, Ryan is still the only dude at the judges' table, as he introduces a clip of the contestants talking about the judges. It starts with Mariah and her "dahling" and overblown vocabulary, Keith's t-shirt and notorious listening-face, Randy's needless yelling and catchphrases, and Nicki's hard-ass-ness and tonsorial style, which they mock by wearing various wigs And -- with a shot of Devin at the end -- her ass. Keep it classy, Idol.

Ryan interviews Kree's sister in the audience, then introduces Kree herself to sing "Where the Blacktop Ends," with Keith on guitar, Randy on bass and Travis Barker playing drums, because why not? And Ray Chew playing keys, I guess. Yikes, man, everyone else in the top five got a way better duet deal than this. Kree and Keith make a duet out of it, and as a bassist myself, I take no issue with Randy's bass playing. Even though it's also too loud and repeats itself a lot. Actually, that explains a great deal.

The judges are finally reassembled back at the table after the ads -- all in new outfits -- and Ryan says it's the end of an era with the departure of Randy Jackson. The tribute clip has a framing device of talking dawgs that I refuse to pay attention to, and a whole montage of Randy's greatest moments of the last twelve seasons. Which, naturally, are almost entirely filler. After the clip, Randy gets to give a gracious farewell speech and thanks everyone. Don't feel obligated to stick around for the rest of the night, Randy.

Ryan gets Aretha Franklin on the big screen via a live feed from New York, but not to say goodbye to Randy. There seems to be a bit of a delay as she's talking to Ryan, but they're going to make her sing live with the top five anyway. The six of them do a medley starting with "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman," and going on to "Respect" and "Think," with Aretha and her band playing in a studio while the top five are relegated to being her backup singers (which, we should all be so lucky) and the full horn section plays along in L.A. On a technical level, that was actually pretty amazing. If The X Factor tried that we'd still be waiting for them to figure it out.

After a rerun of the big clip calling for auditions for next year, Ryan says they're opening online auditions right after the show. And then he presents Kree and Candice with keys to their new Ford Escapes, and cues the retrospective clip of the season set to "Gone Gone Gone." Unlike in the weekly farewell reels, the sing plays in its entirety this time, so we know this is going to take a while. Which it surely enough does, starting with Kez Ban and proceeding to more nutjobs and some people who made it to Hollywood and the top twenty and the top ten, all the way down to the top two. And every time they do this I feel like I got as much out of the last three minutes as I did out of the last four months. "Went by quickly, didn't it?" Ryan has the unmitigated nerve to say.

Jennifer Lopez is back for a duet with Pitbull that's staged like a Cirque du Soleil number performed by drugged Victoria's Secret models who are afraid to leave the ground. They're both clearly lip-syncing, not that anyone cares. It's all about the overwhelming audiovisual noise, in any case, of which there is plenty. And I'm pretty sure I saw Jennifer eyeing that judges' table like she's got a spot all picked out for when she returns.

Wow, is it almost nine o'clock already? Having successfully killed two hours deader than Rasputin, we're almost clear to announce the actual winner. That is what we're here for, right? First though, Kree and Candice do an indifferent duet of "A House Is Not a Home" that they must have spent literally minutes. rehearsing together. People still feel obligated to give one last standing ovation, it being finale night and all. Finally, Ryan joins them onstage for the announcement. The one literal, binary bit of information it's taken us this long to get to. The dude from the accounting firm walks up with the gold envelope, which Ryan snatches away and spews some positive-sounding word salad before dimming the lights one more time. And the winner? Candice Glover! Looks like a woman won after all.

The whole top ten swarm her on the stage while the audience goes apeshit. Angie makes sure Candice has a good grip on that microphone trophy as Ryan draws Candice down to center stage to try to get a coherent thought out of her. "Three years!" is all she can manage. Ryan says Candice's album is already available for pre-order. Damn, she recorded that fast. Finally, everyone yields center stage to Candice so she can sing her winning song, "I Am Beautiful." Which, you know, kind of makes it a pyrrhic victory on top of the fact that she's in no emotional condition to actually sing right now. The confetti and streamers are no less real, though. Congrats to Candice, goodbye to all the judges, get some damn rest Ryan Seacrest. And I'll see you all next season... which, according to what Ryan said earlier about online auditioning, has already begun. God help us.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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After the previouslies, we open in the lifeboat from the Queen's Gambit. Robert Queen tells Oliver to right his wrongs. Then he shoots that other guy (whose presence has never been explained) and himself. This scene already happened on the show, so maybe it was part of the previouslies. I don't know, man.

In new business, Oliver is shirtless and dangling by his wrists from some chains. A little something for the ladies! And also a lot of men! He is awoken by a bucket of water being thrown at him. Malcolm says he hopes he didn't hurt him. Somewhere around now, it dawns on Oliver that Malcolm now knows he's the vigilante. Malcolm thanks Oliver for saving his life that time, and now he's going to explain everything, which he believes will get Oliver on his side. Oliver complains about Malcolm murdering his father, being murdered and stranding him on the island. Malcolm apologizes. See, he's a nice guy! Malcolm believes he's honoring Tommy's mother by destroying the Glades, just as Oliver is honoring Robert with his hood-related vigilante activities. Malcolm has a theory on why Oliver has been defeated by him twice, even though he's younger and fitter. I don't think Oliver knows that he's fought Malcolm more than once, since Black Arrow is still a mysterious figure. But there's no time to worry about that sort of thing, since Malcolm is building a case. It's because Oliver doesn't know what he's fighting for, and Malcolm does. And he says no one can stop what's coming, adding, "Not even the vigilante." He tosses the hood on the floor and leaves.

Flashback Island. Oliver, Slade and Shado are tied up in the command tent. A plane flies overhead. The radio guy announces that Missile One is locked on target. Oliver saws at his bonds and attacks! Shado also attacks, although she needs Oliver to cut her bonds. He does and it is on. Slade also does some fighting, and it's mayhem. The tent gets cleared out, but the missile launches from the tank anyway.

Modern day. Oliver has been left alone to dangle from chains. Oliver pulls himself up so he's upside down. It's very impressive. Then he climbs the chain upside down, which is just showing off, in my opinion. After he gets pretty high, he lets himself drop, so when he hits the bottom, the chain breaks the pipe that the chain was looped around. I would have thought Oliver's wrists would also snap off, but I guess not.

A goon runs in -- I guess he was waiting outside. Oliver still has long chains attached to his wrists, but he's able to use the chains as a weapon. So he breaks the goon's neck. Another one comes in and the same thing happens. Then a goon comes in with a gun. He gets shot... by Diggle! Oliver had a tracking device in his boot. Too bad Diggle couldn't get here two minutes earlier; he could have shot Malcolm.

On the way out, Diggle says that Felicity has found the schematics of the earthquake machine. They call her and she says she's on her way. She's walking along the street, for some reason. But! As soon as she hangs up, Quentin Lance stops her and asks where she's going. The cops!

Interview room. I normally call this the "interrogation chamber" because that sounds cooler, but I see it's actually labeled "Interview Room" on the door. It's the room at the police station where the police lean on suspects. For more information, consult the first episode of Homicide: Life on the Street. Quentin is going to be "interviewing" Felicity because the police hacker found her digital fingerprints last episode. Quentin observes that she's not a hardened criminal. She describes hacking as, "a hobby? That... I do not engage in." Slick! Quentin says that they've investigated her computer at Queen Consolidated, and there's evidence of all the things she hacked this season. You know, like the poison, and the location of Sagittarius. And, he says, "These are all cases involving the Hood." He asks her what he's thinking, and then he takes a call. That's crazy. The people on this show should consider letting their phones go to voicemail more often. He's right in the middle of an interrogation!

But this is the special Arrowphone, which Oliver uses to call him. So after denying that Felicity is his sidekick, Oliver breaks the news, "Malcolm Merlyn plans to level the Glades with a manmade earthquake using technology from UNIDAC industries." Quentin says, "What?" It's an understandable reaction. Oliver tells Quentin to evacuate the Glades, and then he hangs up. Felicity suggests that he has bigger problems than her. Quentin tells her not to leave town. Then she decides to speak on behalf of the vigilante, who is willing to sacrifice for the town. "Kinda makes him a hero... doesn't it?" You know, Felicity, if you want to distance yourself from the vigilante, I would advise you not to give speeches defending him and his tactics.

Club Verdant. Tommy is waiting in the main room for Oliver. Tommy still has a key, I guess. Tommy explains how he went to Laurel's to fight for her, like Oliver told him to, and saw Oliver kissing her. He's justifiably peeved. Oliver wants to talk about the earthquake plot, but Tommy tells him to keep his father out of this. Oliver says their fathers made a plan together to destroy the Glades. He starts to explain that Malcolm is trying to avenge his wife's death, which just results in Tommy saying, "Do not talk about my mother!" He's here to fight with Oliver about Laurel, so he's really not prepared for all this talk about earthquake machines. He tries to punch Oliver, but he misses and falls. Oliver says he didn't find out the truth about his father until it was too late -- but Tommy's always known the man who Malcolm is. Tommy ignores this and tells him, "I wish you would have died on that island."

Speaking of the Island, let's go back to it! The missile goes into the sky. Oliver runs for something, and then ducks because he's being shot at. Shado and Slade kill people. Shado gets to the tank and pops open a circuit board. Oliver runs up and she explains that she's reprogramming the missile. More soldiers get killed, including the one inside the tank itself. The tank starts rolling down the road because there's a dead guy leaning on the accelerator. Shado is knocked off the tank and yells to Oliver to put the last chip in place. Oliver gets rid of the last goon and puts the chip in. The missile (which is still not at its target, somehow) turns around. Oliver stops the tank by yanking on driver's body, and then jumps down and hides behind the tank. The missile gets back to the ground much faster than it got up to the place. It blows up the camp. Kaboom!

Quentin tells his boss about this earthquake machine nonsense. He has to admit that his source is the vigilante, who calls him on a secret phone. His boss thinks that's inconsistent with being on the vigilante-catching task force. Quentin says he'll happily throw away his career if he can save people's lives. He gets suspended. Turn in your gun and badge, Quentin! Also, nobody's going to do anything about evacuating the Glades, I guess.

Castle Queen. Oliver walks in on Moira (who is packing her clothes for no reason we're given) and tells her it's time to stop the Undertaking. She's thrown, although he was in the room when she confessed all the details to Diggle (who was dressed as the vigilante). She cares more about protecting her children than about protecting the Glades. Oliver says he talked to Malcolm. Moira tells him, "He could have killed you. He killed your father." Oliver corrects the record by telling her that Robert killed himself on the lifeboat so there'd be food and water for his son: "He sacrificed himself so that I could live." Oliver says he needs to know where the device is. Moira's phone rings and she answers it. Again, right in the middle of an important discussion with her son! It's Malcolm. He's accelerated the timetable and the Undertaking is happening tonight. I'm surprised he told Moira. He surely knows Oliver has escaped by now. Oliver leaves, saying, "Somebody in this family needs to put an end to this. Whatever the cost." I think he forgets he's supposed to have a secret identity.

Oliver fumes his way to the top of the stairs. Laurel's there. She woke up and he was gone. I like how the love triangle keeps trying to force its way into this episode. I don't care about the love triangle itself, but I like how the collision of plots is causing Oliver to work on two things at once. He assures her he's not scared, and she asks what's going on with him. He gets vague: "There are so many things that I have wanted to tell you for so long." He brings up the Island and says the five years scraped away things he wasn't and revealed the person he always was, which is the person she always saw. Very poetic. He adds, "Nobody in my life is who I thought they were except you." Well, and Thea. They kiss in a nicely backlit shot. Then he asks her to stay out of the Glades tonight, but he won't tell her why. "You'll know soon. One way or the other." And now he has to go.

Merlyn Global. Tommy comes in and tells Malcolm that Laurel is with Oliver again. Oh, and Oliver told him that Malcolm wanted to nuke the Glades. He thinks that's silly, so he adds, "Maybe after your jihad, we can grab some steaks." Malcolm says it's true. And that's also why he closed Tommy's mother's clinic: so it wouldn't get leveled. Oh, that's nice. And reasonable, too. And now, since it's been brought up, he's going to make Tommy listen to his mother's last words. Tommy isn't thrilled about this, but Malcolm plays the voicemail anyway: "I told them to take everything. My money. My ring. He shot me. I screamed for help." And so on. Geez, the one time anyone in this city let a call go to voicemail and it was his wife dying. Malcolm says she bled out onto the pavement while people passed and did nothing, which meant that the city can't be saved. Tommy asks, "So you kill them all?" And then Malcolm starts shouting: "Yes! They deserve to die! All of them! The way she died!" It's good shouting.

Oliver walks into the Arrowlair and says it's on tonight. Felicity says she's figured out that the sigil on the front of the notebook might be important. It's a map of the subway lines under the Glades. She compares it to a geological survey of the tectonic plates under the city. There's a fault line that parallels the 10th Street subway line for a mile. Oliver says he knows where the device is. Then he answers his phone, right in the middle of the conversation. Thea says Moira's holding a press conference. Oliver asks, "What channel?" She says, "It looks like all of them." Oliver asks Felicity to pull up the local news. Of course, although "all" the channels are there, Felicity brings up WEBG, the only station in town. Moira announces that she has failed this city. Thea is watching from the back of the room, and a policeman comes in behind her. Moira says she's been complicit in an Undertaking with a horrible purpose: to destroy the Glades and everyone in it. She says that the architect of this nightmare is Malcolm Merlyn. Malcolm (also watching the local news, as everybody does all the time) gets angry. Moira lists Adam Hunt, Frank Chen and Robert Queen as people Malcolm has killed along the way. Good for her! She begs the people of the Glades to get out now. Quentin's still at the police station, for some reason, and he sees this as well.

After the press conference, Thea confronts Moira. She's angry because she loves Roy. Moira asks, "Roy?" in exactly the way Michael Bluth asks, "Her?" Thea explains, "He lives in the Glades." But I think she needs to explain who Roy is, since Moira clearly has no idea. Thea runs out, and Moira's under arrest.... again without a lawyer in sight.

Tommy asks Malcolm if it's true. Malcolm answers, "I did what I had to do." Then he moves a picture on the wall and uses a thumbprint scanner to reveal his Black Arrowlair. Tommy makes a great expression, which convincingly conveys his distress at finding out that even his father is a serial-killing archer. And then! A SWAT team busts in and says Malcolm's under arrest. He ducks out of the way and kills all three of them. Tommy gets a pistol from one of the bodies and points it at his father. Malcolm's got a machete, which is better than a gun on this show. Malcolm tells Tommy he can't be stopped. Then HE disarms Tommy and knocks him out. Sorry, son!

Arrowlair. Although Malcolm broke Oliver's bow in the last episode, Oliver has a spare bow in a box. Well, good. Felicity says the earthquake device could be on a timer or it could be remote-controlled. Oliver tells Diggle to go to the subway (in case it's on a timer) and he'll handle Malcolm (in case it's remote-controlled). Diggles warns, "He'll kill you, Oliver." Oliver agrees: "I know. He's beaten me twice. And I don't know how to stop him." Diggle thinks bringing backup would help. They argue about whether Diggle can help, but he settles it by saying, "A soldier never lets a brother go into battle alone." That's great, but he's let Oliver go into battle alone several times. Oliver doesn't have another spare bow, but Diggle is happy to bring his gun. You know, the device with much greater portability, range, rate of fire and lethality than a bow? So that puts Felicity on the task of finding and disarming the device, right? Oliver tells her to get out of the Glades, but she asks who'll do it if not her?

Oliver calls Quentin. He says the device will be at a particular abandoned subway station because that's where Malcolm's wife was murdered. Oh, sure. That's definitely the way guys like Malcolm think. He tells Quentin he needs to get down there and disarm it, since they have a mutual friend who could talk him through it. Way to sell Felicity out, jerk. She was trying to convince Quentin that she has nothing to do with the vigilante. Oliver tells Quentin that the city needs him. Quentin sighs.

The Glades are rioting. Some people have signs. Roy watches the TV news and learns the deal. Out on the street, people are on their way out of town. Quentin drives his police car against the flow. There's a helicopter overhead announcing things I can't quite make out. Quentin breaks into the subway station, which involves knocking some planks out of the way.

Oliver and Diggle arrive at Malcolm's office. Doesn't he have a home? The SWAT team is dead on the floor. Diggle figures Malcolm has left.

Island. Night. The camp has been destroyed. Oliver shouts for Shado and Slade. No answer. He opens a box and takes out a bow and one arrow. There's Slade! He says, "I should have figured you couldn't save the day without making a mess." Then Fyers shows up with a gun to Shado's head. Oliver says to let her go, which is the sort of thing you're supposed to say in that situation. Fyers complains about a "young playboy" ruining everything. "Playboy!" That's the word I've been trying to think of all season! I used "wastrel" in the first few episodes, but it didn't seem right. Anyway, Fyers offers to call in a rescue ship to let Oliver go home. Will he sacrifice his freedom for Shado? Shado nods at him. He shoots Fyers through the neck, missing Shado by inches. Good shot! Oliver quips, "Guess so." That's not much of a quip, but anything pithy you say after killing a villain automatically counts as quipping. It's in the bylaws.

Back to modern day. Tommy regains consciousness and Oliver runs to him. He doesn't know where Malcolm is, but he's willing to tell Oliver he was right. He asks, "Are you gonna kill him?" Oliver tells him to get to safety. Yeah, and get out of this office because the police will eventually notice that their SWAT team didn't coming back. Diggle spots the false wall to Malcolm's Arrowlair. It contains many bows. And Malcolm! Malcolm says he can easily get to the transmitter, and Diggle shoots at him. There is a very confused fight with the three of them in a small area that's hard to follow, and Malcolm throws a knife into Diggle's torso. Oliver runs after Malcolm onto the roof. Malcolm asks if he's ready to go.

Felicity is in the Arrowlair and she's on the phone with Quentin. He says he doesn't even know what he's looking for, but then he spots this canister that's glowing blue. So that's probably it. I don't know why Felicity didn't go to the subway, since staying in the Arrowlair (which is also in the Glades) is just as dangerous. Felicity tells Quentin to look for a circuit board and a timer. They have seven minutes, and she says it's going to be a paperweight in three. Upstairs, rioters loot the Glades. Roy runs into an alley, where there are three muggers and a victim. He busts up two of them. The third has a gun, but Thea smashes a bottle on his head. Thanks, Thea! She's here to rescue him. Time to go!

On the roof of Merlyn Global, Oliver and Malcolm shoot arrows at each other. Then they close the distance and fight. Oliver shoots an arrow at Malcolm from five feet away. Malcolm catches the arrow again, and this time it blows up in his face. You know, like in The Avengers.

Felicity tells Quentin to cut the blue wire. The countdown speeds up and the device starts to open. Felicity says there must be an anti-tamper safeguard. Lady, you're supposed to be looking at the schematics. Quentin says there isn't time. He calls Laurel (who's still at CNRI for some reason) and tells her to get out of the Glades right now. Right now! He's scaring her, and he tells her he won't make it. He begs her, "Promise me one thing. You're not gonna die along with me." He wants her to promise not to make the same mistakes he did, which, if I'm not mistaken, is a line from "Coward of the County." They tell each other that they love one another. Then Felicity instructs Quentin to listen very carefully.

Roy drives like a maniac. Then he stops because there's a bus full of people who need help. Roy can't leave his people behind, but he tells Thea to get to safety. They kiss. It's a very romantic scene, but Roy's wasting a lot of time if he wants to get any helping done before the earthquake.

Roof. More fighting. Kick! Roll! Hurricanrana! Backbreaker! Diggle crawls up to the roof. Malcolm has Oliver in a sleeper. Oliver remembers his father and his family, and then grabs an arrow and stabs Malcolm through the shoulder. He says, "Thank you for teaching me what I'm fighting for." Malcolm gets to a knee and Oliver punches him down to the ground.

Quentin monkeys with the wires. The device shuts down. Felicity tells Oliver they did it. Hooray!

Malcolm smiles. He rasps, "If I've learned anything as a successful businessman, it's -- cough -- redundancy." Then he dies. Oliver tells Felicity there's another device. We see it lower to the ground. It's a good thing for Malcolm this second device didn't show up on any manifests.

In an extreme longshot, we see lights go out across the Glades. We also see CNRI and the Arrowlair shaking. Oliver and Diggle watch buildings crumble from their great vantage point on the roof.

Quentin reaches the street and runs for CNRI, where bookshelves are falling over. Laurel gets flattened by concrete falling from the ceiling. Felicity tells Oliver that she's fine (although there's also a lot of stuff falling from the ceiling at the Arrowlair) and that the damage seems to be contained on the east side at 12th Street. You know, where CNRI is.

Laurel is alive! Oliver rides his motorcycle through the streets. Laurel wails that she needs someone to help her. Tommy shows up. Hi, Tommy! She wonders why he's here and he doesn't really have time to explain. "I love you," he says, as he lifts the concrete slab off her. Nice job, Tommy! Laurel gets out and runs into Quentin's arms. The building collapses behind her. Quentin holds her back from running back in to save Tommy. Oliver rides around some debris on the street via a very convenient halfpipe and gets into the building through the back door. He finds Tommy! He pulls concrete off him, and I can't make out whatever it is Tommy's mumbling. He's got a piece of metal sticking through his stomach, so he's in serious trouble. Oliver assures him he saved Laurel. Tommy says he's sorry he was jealous. He says, "I am my father." Oliver disagrees. He asks if Oliver killed Malcolm. Oliver says he didn't, and Tommy thanks him. Then Tommy dies. I told you that would happen. Why don't you trust me? Oliver says it should have been him, but I think that would be a bad idea, dramatically speaking.

We see a helicopter checking out the wreckage. Aaaaand... that's it. All questions of aftermath (and what The List had to do with the Undertaking) will have to wait until next season. Arrow out!

Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.

Bradley was like, "You know we're not dating, right?" And Emma was like, "You know you're not dating her, right?" And Norman was all, "Yeah no, yeah." But the truth was quite the opposite. Bradley had to make double sure that they were totally not dating, which resulted in him almost murdering her, but by the fourth or fifth time she dumped him he was starting to grasp what is going on. (Just kidding, he still only barely grasps it.) Dylan has produced for their mother a whole motel's worth of cute gross hippies for the marijuana processing that White Pine Bay runs on, but the sinister sex-slaver Jake Abernathy -- just the latest in a very long line of disappointing men to traipse past Norma Bates's window -- ruined even that fragile truce by leaving her autopsied ex-boyfriend's corpse in her bed. In her bed!

UP THE HILL

Orange Pants Hottie has been joined by Canadian Andrew Garfield Hottie -- one of whom has to be Remo's kid in real life? -- and all the hippies are watching the cops drag Shelby's body out of the house and down the hill for the second time.

Norma: "I was just about to go on a date with my distant second-choice son, and..."
Romero: "Any idea who would bring your boyfriend's dead body back to your house and put it in your bed?"
Norma: "Ordinarily I would say Zach Shelby, just a classic Zach Shelby Move, but I really don't think it was him this time. My new person who is constantly ruining my life is Jake Abernathy, an old friend of Shelby's and Keith Summers and presumably Gil and presumably you, who told me last week pretty explicitly, I am going to ruin your life in various ways such as putting dead bodies in your upstairs bedrooms, and the like."
Romero: "No, I'm sure these are all just random coincidences. But if you'd like to give me Abernathy's obviously fake information..."

"I THOUGHT HE WAS CRAZY! LIKE WHY? WHY DO CRAZY PEOPLE KEEP GRAVITATING TOWARDS ME?" Everybody on the show stares awkwardly at the floor and tries not to point out, or even think about, the fact that Norma Bates is easily the craziest person any of them have ever met or even heard of.

LATER

Dylan: "And now we have to throw out the mattress too? Just because some autopsied dude might have leaked on it?"
Norman: "I hear you, but I also never had a boyfriend accidentally rape me and then turn up dead in my bed after being autopsied. Possibly we don't have all the facts of what she's going through."
Dylan: "Uh, considering how long she's going to be bitching and moaning and perseverating and talking talking talking about this, eventually we might."
Norma: "I can hear you! And I am acting totally appropriate!"

SNIFF SNIFF

Norma: "Hippy youth culture! Stop smoking doobies on my porch!"
Trimmers: "What did she say? What is happening?"
Norma: "Your wacky weed!"
Trimmers: "Did you know you live in the WPB?"
Norma: "I know! It is kind of getting to me! You, Andrew Garfield one, what is your name?"
Ra'uf: "Ra'uf."
Norma: "Fuck you."

"I had an idea when I moved here of how life was gonna be. Life can be disappointing, sure. But no one prepared me for the colossal fucking face-dive off a cliff into a bottomless pit of hellish bullshit that coming to this monster town has turned out to be. Whatever that dumb old therapist says, I don't need therapy and I am totally under control and this goddamn motel is under my control and you will goddamn not be smoking drugs on the motherfucking porch of it. Copy?"

Hippies: "Whoa, you are awesome."
Ra'uf: "But you slightly need to chill."
Norma: "YOU chill. You chill your OWN ass."
Hippies: "This is the best lady I ever saw in my whole life."

Norma: "Dylan! What have you wrought?"
Dylan: "They are laborers. They are of the labor class."
Norma: "And how do they labor?"
Dylan: "They toil, dear mother, in the fields."
Norma: "Fields of what?"
Dylan: "You know goddamn well. Why are you being so weird right now?"
Norma: "I HATE THIS PLACE! HATE IT! MY LIFE IS A MISTAKE! THIS TOWN IS A PRISON! A NIGHTMARE! I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE PRISON OF A TOWN!"

Norman: "Hold up, what?"
Norma: "We are gonna start over, son. It's gonna be..."
Norman: "There's a pattern here maybe we should explore, where you kind of always want to do this. Like, you take your crazy with you everywhere you go, you realize that? It doesn't mean you're not still in the same..."

"I got raped DAY ONE. Committed MURDER. Then my boyfriend forced me to have sex with him in a variety of locations so that we all wouldn't go to jail. Then we discovered that he was keeping doped-up sex slaves in his secret basement. Then you lost your VIRGINITY. At what point, Norman, at what point can we possibly say Maybe this time Norma's not being a flake, maybe this one time Norma has a legitimate concern. Because if not now, when? If not multiple murders and sexual assaults, WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE?"

INTERLUDE

On the downside, Norman has a pretty involved dream about drowning Bradley in the bathtub. A calm lake in a world of concrete. On the upside, when he wakes up he is ashamed, frightened and above all does not masturbate. Which I guess the fact that I was worried about that says, perhaps, more about me than the boy.

MOTEL OFFICE

Emma: "Hey, I came in early to organize your office. It is disordered just like your mind."
Norma: "Just throw everything out except the deed and the land and stuff like that. Everything else, burn it. We don't need to know."
Emma: "Uh, okay. I will be doing the opposite of that because I am Emma Dekody, but it's nice to know which Norma we're dealing with today."

Norma: "If those hippies start smoking their doobies and roaches while I'm gone, freak out on them."
Emma: "You know we live in the WPB, right? And I'm kind of shy with hot hippies."
Norma: "Just act super fucking crazy. Like you know how I am? Do that."
Emma: "And what if they say for example, No? No, Tank Girl, I am going to keep smoking this doobie."
Norma: "I don't know. Climb up on something and holler like your whole body's going to shake apart, that's what I'd do. Or drive crazy donuts in the parking lot. Pretty much anything that will simultaneously get their attention and make it clear you cannot be reasoned with."

A cute gay Canadian man brings a delivery of flowers! Norma's so out of it today that for a second she's like, "How nice! How nice that a... Wait, I don't have any friends or anyone that would get me flowers. My dead boyfriend already got carried outta here twice, and all my husbands... Possibly they are from Norman? But more likely they are from Jake Abernathy and they are a mobster message. A fragrant horse's head."

Norma: "Emma, throw this shit out. I won't have murder message flowers in the office on top of everything else. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call Sheriff Romero and leave him an urgent message that somebody sent me flowers. A very serious crime."

SOME STREET

Bradley: "Dylan, hey."
Dylan: "Oh, are we already at the part where we do it, and Norman goes crazy?"
Bradley: "Could you sneak me into my dad's office over at Gil's drug warehouse? I miss him very bad! And I thought if I could just see where the corruption went down, like how he kept his desk and everything, it would give me solace."
Dylan: "Yeah, like what could you possibly find at your dad's drug-dealer job -- that got him killed by being burned alive -- that might freak you out?"

REAL ESTATE MATT

One of the best parts of the episode is how Norma walks through doors when she is pissed off, which is like... Imagine a saloon door, like you have to throw both sides wide, and then walk through before it swings back? But doing that with normal doors. Like she doesn't give a fuck if it latches properly on its own behind her because she has had it. It's like that door was never there; like she destroyed it with her mind-rage.

Matt: "Oh shit, it's Norma Bates. Can I call you back, Jason? This is going to get weird."
Jason: "How come?"
Matt: "I do not know yet. But I guarantee it is going to get weird."
Norma: "I am here to get weird!"
Matt: "How come?"
Norma: "You knew about that highway bypass and you sold me that property anyway."
Matt: "It was a proposal, one of many, at that time."
Norma: "Do you want to look in these crazy eyes every day for a year when I take you to court?"
Matt: "Ideally no."
Norma: "Then you get me my money back."

If only there were some kind of escrow stipulation about like, the party of the first part blah blah rape camp blah blah human slavery. Anyway, Matt knows that whatever happens next, he does not want Norma coming back in there because she is the kind of lady that will assault you with her purse. Not just once, to make a point, but several times, and like, aggravated.

MISS WATSON

Miss Watson: "Norman, that short story you turned in, it's incredible! I especially liked the part where the pretty teacher molested the young boy."
Norman: "Thought ya might."
Miss Watson: "I have a friend who has a small literary publication, and I'd like to send it to him. It will be published and you will become famous! A literary supernova. But first, we need to edit it together. Long hours, all alone, after school, unsupervised. Just you, me, a peekaboo bra, and the English language."
Norman: "Just FYI, I might also bring my other personality which is a sex murderer."
Miss Watson: "Mee-yow! Me too, lol."

BACK HOME

Norma's got two problems. Well. She's got like a hundred problems. But right now they are: She has a serious killer on her ass for reasons she still doesn't even understand, and this dumb highway also, but mostly the first one. So she's a little tweaky, a little paranoid. She needs some of that ganja from those hot hippies, I thought, and then I remembered that I already act like Norma Bates a lot of the time and pot makes it a lot worse, which is why I don't smoke pot, so if Norma smoked pot she would be more like Norma Bates than she is now, which sounds amazing but only from behind bulletproof, soundproof, double-sided mirror glass. (Also: "ganja"? Is that something people say? Did I make that up? Did you know it's Sanskrit? And what are "dank nuggets"? That does not sound appealing.)

Norma: "I know what you're thinking, obsessing on locking all the doors and windows is kind of insane. But let me remind you that the man formerly in No. 9 is now at large and oh Christ what is that awful thing in your hands?"
Norman: "This is Juno. She used to be my dog. Now she is merely a symptom."
Norma: "We are getting the eff out of this town. It's gonna be great!!"
Norman: "I have a 4.0 and I'm becoming a literary supernova. We're not leaving."
Norma: "Raped! DAY ONE!"

NORMAN'S BDRM AKA NORMANSLAND

Dylan: "Hey, why are you Googling 'I drowned a slut in my dream' and oh Christ what is that awful thing on your bed?"
Norman: "This is Juno. She used to be my dog. Now she's more of a cry for help. That nobody seems to hear."
Dylan: "And the first part?"
Norman: "Remember that girl I was in love with, and you engineered me to go sleep with her, and then I almost killed her? Well, I've been dreaming about killing her. Maybe it's just a metaphor."
Dylan: "Yeah, why wouldn't it be? I certainly don't know any secrets about you, that even you don't know, that would cause me to think otherwise."
Norman: "I guess I just feel overwhelmed. I bet Norma drowns people all night, every night."
Dylan: "Right, because you'd never hurt anybody, right? In real life? With meat tenderizers or on their front lawns or anything? Beat anybody over the head? And you'd be willing to remind your other personalities of that? And how much I love you also?"
Norman: "Just you! Kidding. Not kidding! Totally kidding."

GIL'S WAREHOUSE

Dylan: "Gil? Are you in this pitch-black warehouse among these pot plants?"
Gil: "How are your hippies working out?"
Dylan: "Listen, did Jerry Martin have an office space here?"
Gil: "Your unceasing ambition, it rankles and impresses."
Dylan: "I just want to snoop around in it and have secrets."
Gil: "Take his office, I don't care. I burned that motherfucker alive, I don't care what happens. Trash everything, see if I care."
Dylan: "Then so, like Emma Dekody, I will not be doing that. And thank you. If this works out right, my little brother will kill absolutely all of us."

BATES MOTEL

Emma: "Hey, cutest hippie? Can you not smoke pot? I don't know if you're aware, but there is an insane lady."
Ra'uf: "Oh me? I don't smoke pot! Hey, do you want to smoke some pot?"
Emma: "I have an oxygen tank that will explode if we smoke pot."
Ra'uf: "Oh, Marilla. How much you miss."

MISS WATSON

"He felt like he was choking inside on some black smoke."

Miss Watson: "I love this image, of choking inside on some black smoke. But if we move it to the bottom of this paragraph, your psycho tendencies might be more artful."
Norman: "It is fantastic that you are showing so much approval of my story."
Miss Watson: "A man who is on fire from the inside! I do love it."
Norman: "I just thought it was interesting in a way that has nothing to do with myself, consciously. Like, how do you go through daily life on fire, and nothing will put it out?"
Miss Watson: "For me, taking inappropriate interest in my young students helps. Listen, you're very mature for your age."
Norman: "It's from being systematically abused my entire life!"

Miss Watson, verbatim: "I just feel like you understand things that are way beyond your years, things about how hard life can be, about how we're not really meant to be happy..."
Norman: "Miss Watson, you seem sad. Like you are also on fire and wanting things you can't have."
Miss Watson: "It is just my love of the English language. And the Arts thereupon."
Norman: "Are you going to ask me to kill your husband at some point? That's generally what happens in this movie."
Miss Watson: "Oh shit, you're a minor. I totally forgot. You're going to need your mom's permission to publish this story about how you are clearly a crazy person."
Norman: "I do not see that happening."

"SLIDE (ACOUSTIC VERSION)"

The hippies play Goo Goo Dolls because hippies are the worst, but listen:

Don't you love the life you killed?

Don't suppose I'll ever know what it means to be a man
It's something I can't change

Romero: "Are you guys working at Gil's dry dock that I don't know about?"
Hippies: "Yes, would you like fresh veggies?"
Romero: "No thank you, I am investigating a very serious flower crime."

Norma: "Sheriff, here is the card where Jake Abernathy says See you soon. It is a code, it means I am going to kill you for messing up my sex slavery."
Romero: "I notice that he didn't sign it 'Jake Abernathy.'"
Norma: "No, but who else could have sent it? Everybody else is dead."
Romero: "Shit, I don't know your personal business."
Norma: "THIS IS DEFINITELY A CLUE. Also, he's staking me out again. Driving by in that black car of murder, all day long, like he's got nothing else to do now that I have ruined his flesh-trade career."
Romero: "Oh, plus obviously Jake Abernathy doesn't exist. It's a shine-on, dame. The old switcheroo."
Norma: "Too bad I scrubbed off all his fingerprints and DNA during one of my 'sodes. And then gave the room to that filth out there."

Romero: "You know, it's sort of funny that you went into the service industry."
Norma: "I am keen to serve people! I just wish they weren't always trying to kill me and smoking doobies and raping everybody all the time."
Romero: "For a very understandably paranoid person, you didn't write down his plates or save his creepy hairs or anything whatsoever. You are not good at this part of my job."
Norma: "But how will you save me? From the man that doesn't exist? You know how hard it is for me to trust people, men and authority figures."
Romero: "I will have you patrolled every half-hour. Which I would imagine won't last very long before you have killed yet another person in your house."
Norma: "Okay, well, if any other literal dead bodies show up, I'll call ya."
Romero: "I know. I know that you will."

DINER

Dylan: "Hello, Bradl..."
Bradley: "When are you going to get me into my dad's office?"
Dylan: "And so we dispense with the preliminaries. Listen, maybe I could just box up all his drug-dealer crap and bring it to you, and that way Gil would be forced to kill us both."
Bradley: "It's not about anything in particular. Well, there's a pocketwatch I'm kind of fixated on, but mostly it's about being in the actual space. How he left things. My mom already did the boxing-up thing, like, immediately. It left me untethered."
Dylan: "The thing is Gil kind of hated your dad by the end. You know how he was set on fire and then aimed at you in a speeding car?"
Bradley: "Figure it out, mister. I'm just gonna be over here looking awesome and untouchable and unknowable, embodying the pathetic desires of men who haven't fully developed emotionally, as is the way of things."
Dylan: "Okay fine, let's go."

BATES MOTEL

Wrong number, and then before you know it Emma is chowing down on the obvious pot muffin that Cute Hippie Ra'uf has left her that is going to get her high. This is the best television show in the whole, whole world of television. Like the look of wonder and amazement that is constantly in her giant beautiful eyes isn't going to be twice as fabulous once she gets that edible down.

UP THE HILL

Norma: "In breaking news, we are moving to Oahu! It is very safe there, and near to a beach. Nobody will come looking for us, and we will be safe and all alone. Don't tell Dylan!"
Norman: "I am not doing this with you. A Hawaii cottage sounds delicious, Mother, but I have a real life here."
Norma: "It's especially safe because it's an island!"
Norman: "Okay, that was hilarious. But..."
Norma: "And we've been running a motel so we have management experience..."
Norman: "Literally for three days we have been doing this. In which fairly short time we have committed multiple homicides. I don't know that the service industry is..."
Norma: "Whatever, I will just tell lies to everyone like usual."

They get into a fight and Norman eventually goes back into the mode where he just -- terrified by himself, on the verge of breaking down -- keeps repeating over and over that she is crazy and scary and doesn't make any sense, etc. Which is when Emma shows up, with eyes like whirling jewels.

Emma: "I think there might be video monitoring equipment in the office."
Norma: "That is totally something I would buy!"
Emma: "I felt like I was being watched. It was really creeping me out."
Norma: "Like by whom?"
Emma: "I don't know. God? I got lonely. I grabbed my tank and headed up here to see you guys, see what you were up to. And man, you know stairs? Stairs. There were like a million of 'em!"
Norma, gettin' up close: "...Not that it rules out the spy cams, but you are high as shit."
Emma: "Like it was an escalator, that you climb -- Hi! -- and one more step just kept coming, out of nowhere. Like I was in space!"
Norma: "Do CF kids smoke pot?"
Emma: "I ate it. It was a cupcake from a hippie. Frankly I don't see the appeal."
Norma: "Norman, go make her some toast. You can mess with her head if you want, but nothing, like, scathing."
Norman: "I'm sorry I called you crazy, Mother..."
Norma: "Oh, who cares? My real daughter is on drugs!"

WAREHOUSE

Remo immediately starts shooting at Bradley and Dylan from out in the darkness.

Dylan: "Stop shooting! It's me, Dylan [Texas]! Do you hear me?"
Remo: "Oh my God, you are so dumb. What are you even doing here? And who is the other person with you who I am going to kill?"
Bradley: "It is me! I am too beautiful to kill. Plus bullets would just go through me like a mirage, probably."
Remo: "Are you Jerry Martin's kid? Sorry we set your dad on fire."
Dylan: "Look, she just wants to go through all of our corrupt drug-dealing documents, it's no big deal."
Remo: "Really? Because that sounds like a bad idea."
Dylan: "But Remo, it is for sex."
Remo: "Oh, cool. Go right ahead, you."
Dylan: "Your sudden but inevitable betrayal is going to sting more with every one of these moments where I fall more and more in love with you."
Remo: "Right back atcha, kiddo. I am really going to hate fucking you up, when that eventually happens."

Bradley: "Speaking of daddies, my one was having an affair. With a person named B! I found correspondence. He was making love to a letter of the alphabet!"
Dylan: "We don't know Miss Watson's first name, or Ethan's last name. Odds are 80/20 it's one of those two."
Bradley: "I thought I already went crazy when witnessed him being burned to death, but I think possibly I will now go even crazier still!"
Dylan: "Then I'd better hop to it."

Actually, it's sweet. He grabs her and holds onto her tight and says of course Jerry still loved her, regardless of whatever else he was up to, because who wouldn't? And it's true. Even after all this, I do love ol' Bradley. She's really got it figured out.

I WANNA WAKE UP WHERE YOU ARE

Norma: "Hey Norman, on a scale of one to ten how weird would it be if I slept in here tonight?"
Norman: "In my bed? With my dead animal in it and also me?"
Norma: "One to ten, I said. I mean, I realize it's weird but is it that weird?"
Norman: "Ugh, this is just because of that slave-trader who is stalking you and threatened to kill you and managed to get a body out of the morgue without anybody caring."
Norma: "Uh yeah, it is."
Norman: "The truth is, sleeping with you is excellent and it makes me very happy. So if we don't make it weird, it's not weird. Other people maybe would think it's weird, but who cares about other people?"
Norma: "The true truth is that I am a grown woman fucking up your teenage mind because I am selfish."
Norman: "Get in here, you old so-and-so. And listen, I'm sorry I truthfully and accurately called you crazy."
Norma: "Please, like my ears can physically even hear criticism."

Why don't you slide into my room?
We'll run away, run away, run away

MISS WATSON

Norman: "About my story. I think we should stop editing it and put a halt to my burgeoning literary career."
Miss Watson: "Why, because of your mom? What did she, climb in bed with you last night and steal your breath in your sleep and make you feel like a single blended person and as if you had never left the womb?"
Norman: "Yeah. Plus, if she reads this story it's going to be worse than the time we tried therapy."
Miss Watson: "I was going to say this eventually, so now's fine. Your mother doesn't need to know what we get up to."
Norman: "Uh, that seems like something a teacher should never, ever, ever say to a kid under any circumstances whatsoever."

Miss Watson: "We're the same, Norman. I understand your problems because I have similar problems. You're prone to the occasional anima possession by a negative mother archetype that wants to drown teenage girls and negate all sexuality, while I want to take out my own history of sexual abuse on the most vulnerable person I can find. See? Simpatico."
Norman: "Well, I guess it's not entirely fair to quash my talent just because she..."
Miss Watson: "Your prodigious talent. And how's she gonna find out?"
Norman: "Again, that doesn't sound..."
Miss Watson: "Yeah, no. I heard it. I heard it that time."

REAL ESTATE MATT

Matt: "Oh, shit. I forgot Norma Bates again. This will go poorly."
Norma: "I was thinking I would bake cookies! For the Open House!"
Matt: "There's not going to be an Open House, and if there was you'd be serving rape slash murder, not cookies."
Norma: "But if there's not an Open House, then who will smell the cookies? And buy this cursed murder mansion?"
Matt: "I can't get your money back. Not between the highway and your epic bad luck."
Norma: "Then the value. Oahu can't possibly be the most expensive place in the entire universe, oh wait yes it is. Well, just enough for a cottage, then. On Oahu."
Matt: "Baby, it's worth less than it's worth. You're further underwater than a dream of Bradley Martin."
Norma: "I refuse to have that be reality."

But it's the next thing -- "The best thing you can do is to just walk away, let the bank take it back" -- that sends her over the edge. That's how she got the place. That's Keith Summers's mistake, his failure. Not hers. That was the shot, right there, and now Matt is saying, "Let somebody else benefit from your mistake, in turn. Hopefully a man this time." Which is why it does come to pass that she beats the shit out of ol' Matt with her purse.

WHICH IS GREAT

But the next thing that happens is, she is still pissed when Jake Abernathy turns up in her backseat with a gun, causing her, causing everybody, to scream bloody murder.

#9: "Get the present I left on your bed? Apparently you don't take friendly direction too well, so we're escalating."
Norma: "Thank you for the flowers?"
#9: "Zack Shelby owed me $150,000 from that last batch of girls, and now it's missing. That's what I was looking for on the boat, that's what I've been looking all over for. I talked to everybody else in our sex ring, and they all say it's you."
Norma: "If I had a hundred-fitty grand I would be in Oahu right now."
#9: "Really?"
Norma: "No! Not Oahu. I would never move to Oahu. Ohio, I said."
#9: "I don't care. Come up with the money and bring it to me at the pier at midnight, in next week's episode, entitled 'Midnight.' Or else I will kill your son. Both of them, not just the one you hate. And then I will kill you. Got it?"
Norma: "I guess. Man, today sucks."

NEXT WEEK

Norman brings Emma to the dance, but leaves with Miss Watson. I can't believe it's the finale. What am I going to think and talk incessantly about for the next forty-odd weeks?

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Bates Motel, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.

Ryan's shown up in a tux tonight, and the always-reliable celebrity-cam doesn't let us down tonight as it picks out the most famous person in the audience -- yep, there's Rob Schneider! The judges are already at their table, sparing us their usual slow-moving entrance, all of them similarly dressed up for the occasion save Keith. Ryan reminds us that it's the first girl vs. girl finale since Season Three, and polls the audience by applause. Since those results aren't binding anyway, I'm not going to declare a winner. Finally Ryan brings out Kree and Candice and announces that one of them will be the next American Idol. I don't know -- I'm still not convinced that some dude with a guitar isn't going to swoop in and steal it somehow. It could happen.

Three rounds again tonight: one song picked by producer Simon Fuller, their potential single, and their own favorite song of the season. Because Kree won last week's coin toss, she gets to go first and Simon Fuller has chosen "Angel" as Kree's song, which seems like a huge advantage for her because there are any number of songs with that title and she could just pick her favorite, right? She has wisely gone with the one by Sarah McLachlan, making it all about her voice with a stripped-down arrangement that's mainly just piano with a little steel guitar in the mix because Kree. Ryan gives us all four of her voting numbers. You know, what if in these multi-round stages, people could vote using separate phone numbers for individual performances instead of the entire singer? That might be interesting. It probably wouldn't, but it might be.

Simon Fuller has picked "Chasing Pavements" for Candice. So between Sarah McLachlan and Adele, I think the main thing we've learned from this round is how very pedestrian Simon Fuller's musical tastes are. The song is completely undemanding for Candice, which is the kind of thing that drives Jimmy Iovine nuts. I'm not a big fan of it either, frankly.

After Ryan dismisses Candice from the stage, Ryan suddenly remembers that the judges exist and asks for some remarks from Mariah and Randy. She gushes about how proud she is of the girls and America, and short-timer Randy recklessly says that while he wouldn't have picked the songs Simon Fuller did, he gives Candice the round for showing a little more range, while Mariah appreciated Kree's subtlety. Because American Idol is all about subtlety.

Coming back, Ryan's got the top two in the aisle, asking how they pace themselves with three songs in one night. Unlike the professional performers they both hope to be, who can get butts in seats by doing one number and then being all "goodnight everybody!" Speaking of which, Carly Rae Jepsen comes out and performs her watery new single. This is the one with lyrics, choreography and production elements decided by popular vote over the past few weeks, which of course means none of it is ever going to be especially popular. Afterward, Ryan joins her onstage and tells everyone that Coca-Cola is giving away 20,000 downloads of the song. Good luck with that, Coca-Cola. I suspect there will still be several pallets of downloads taking up space in an Atlanta warehouse by this time next month.

After the ads, Ryan plugs the summer tour while sweeping some swoony middle-aged lady in the audience off her feet or at least off her butt. Then Kree's back with her putative single, "All Cried Out." Guess what? It's a country ballad. And it's no "Home," either; it's got that distinctive Idol stamp that in most of the music industry is described as "first-draft lyrics." But there's a big, soaring chorus that allows Kree's voice to shine, so that's about as much as she could reasonably expect. She even gets a standing ovation from Keith, Randy and Mariah. No comments again, though, not that I'm complaining.

Candice's single is called "I Am Beautiful," which turns out to be a syrupy, string-laden rewrite of "According to Him" by Orianthi, the guest guitarist from earlier in the season. It doesn't have the high notes Kree got to show off with, but it also touches on one of the themes that some people have been tap dancing around with regard to Candice, so she has the edge this round. This one gets a standing O from all four judges.

After Candice leaves the stage, Ryan turns to Keith and Nicki for their take on the second round. Nicki says that Kree's song made her dig deeper than she usually has to, while Keith says both songs are tailor-made for them. "It fits her like a Glover," Keith says, which Randy obviously wishes he'd said and which I wish Keith hadn't.

After the ads, Ryan's still not satisfied, so he asks them to pick their winners from round two. Keith picks Kree and Nicki says Candice. "It's on!" Ryan says, and puts a lid on it immediately so it goes back off again. Kree's personal favorite song for tonight's third round is "Up to the Mountain," which she did in Las Vegas. Do the rules specify that each finalist's favorite song from the season has to be a song they sang? Because it might be fun to watch them try to swap. Or get behind the piano for an Angie Miller original or try some Devin Velez Spanglish. Kree's doing fine with this, though, benefiting from a full gospel choir backing her up and nailing the big finish, earning her first four-way standing ovation of the night from the judges. Who actually get to make some comments now. Keith talks about her spirit and soulfulness, Nicki talks about her beautiful voice and soul, Randy calls it her best performance of the night and Mariah agrees with him. But Mariah also says she loved "both performances" of the three. Ouch!

Candice is shrouded in fog for her repeat performance of "I Who Have Nothing," which starts out a capella and blows Kree out of the sky by the first verse. And it just gets better, effortlessly, from there. Yeah, what I said before about not wanting to call it? I just called it. Candice kills it with this song, and the people who'll will be screaming blue murder on Friday if she doesn't win? Well, I... won't disagree with them. The judges are catapulted out of their seats by the end. Keith is blown away, calling it like "a planet exploding to life." Nicki thought Candice was a lot more comfortable with this song, like a superstar commanding the stage. Randy says, "Yo," a sound which, now that it's almost too late, makes me wish I had invented a device to convert his utterance of that word to the infrared signal that DVRs read as "fast forward." He goes on about how great the competition is and how great Candice is... and fuck it, I'm signing up for an electronics class anyway. Mariah says it's all about Candice's voice and promises to listen to her for years to come. Ryan gives the voting numbers, promises four hours of open voting lines, and rolls the recap clip. Ryan asks Randy for some final thoughts and Randy shares the penetrating insight that it's very close and everyone should vote. Are we seriously getting out of here in just over an hour? Awesome; now I can rest up for tomorrow night. Between this and The Office, I'm going to need it.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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